Men Scared Of Commitment – Do You Know Why?

by suzy


Are all men scared of commitment, or is it just some of the male population?

This was the question my divorced girlfriend asked my husband a few months ago.

My spouse’s reply was that he thought most men were afraid to get obligated to the wrong woman.

While this may be true, it certainly does cover many of the other issues that speak to this problem.

It appears that how to make a man commit is a more prevalent problem for divorced women than for younger single gals.

Before marriage, you typically date guys who have not been in a long term relationship so in a sense they have less baggage.

However, when a male experiences a failed marriage, he often times will have a fear of commitment in relationships in the future.

A lot of guys fear that they will give up their freedom once they get intertwined with a female.

They won’t be able to play as much golf or drink beer with their buddies while watching Monday night football games.

Rather, they will be expected to have date nights with their sweetheart and be ‘Mr. Fixit’ for all the things the little lady wants taken care of in the home.

And let’s not forget the financial issue for these commitment phobic males.

While they still may have to pay child support and possibly alimony because of a failed marriage, the new Mrs. wants a new house, nice furnishings and exciting vacations at the very least.

So what’s a divorced woman dating over 40 to do that is looking for a devoted gentleman who wants what she wants, and is not afraid to enter into matrimony?

This is a question that many women ponder but don’t know the answer to.

5 Things You Can Do With A Man Scared Of Commitment

Here are 5 guidelines for a divorced woman over forty to overcome this challenging male commitment problem.

Men scared of commitment image Men Scared Of Commitment – Do You Know Why? Know When To Stop Waiting And Move On

1. Don’t pressure him. Put aside your needy emotions and let him run after you until you catch him.

2. Don’t think he is the only one for you because he isn’t.

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Don’t stop fishing.

3. Enjoy the time you spend together but don’t obsess about it or over think it.

4. Stay unpredictable and spontaneous, that will keep him guessing and coming back for more.

5. Never, ever go to bed with any man until you have a ring on your finger.

If you don’t follow this rule, you’ll lose on every level.


When a female is intimate with a male, her hormones and emotions get out of kilter, and she becomes more emotionally committed.

He, on the other hand, has no reason to take this relationship to another level.

He has what he needs.

So if you are still wondering are all men scared of commitment or at least the ones you meet, change your ways from this day forward.

Follow the guidelines in this article and you will never deal with this issue again. Don’t believe me? Try it out and just watch what happens.

Suzy

P.S. Are you in a relationship where you want commitment from your man but aren’t getting it?
Tell me your story below in the comments below.

If are tired of waiting for him, check out: “Men Made Easy Review

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{ 37 comments }

Stephanie October 23, 2012 at 2:41 PM

Hi Suzy, I have been in a relationship for 2 yrs now and I was previosly divorced and have two children. This man that I am dating is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. He treats me so well and their are things that I want with him and have expressed. I would like to marry him. We currently are in a Long Distance Relationship and work very hard on this. We communicate all the time and schedules days to make time with one another. A few months ago the dicision was made for us to move closer to one another. The idea was for him to move in my town in a couple of months in order to figure out if things will truly work out for the both of us. The other day he told me he was unceratin of what he wants and felt it was unfair to me. He certainly loves me and wants to be with. Just not sure of what he wants. I suggested maybe he needed a break from me and was told he just needed to work things through. I don’t know how to help or what to do. I feel I love him and would wait for him. I do not want to pressure him into anything.

admin November 3, 2012 at 5:04 PM

Hi Stephanie, long distance relationships are difficult at best. It is clear that the LDR was working for him, but now to make the move into a more committed relationship is not so good for him. If I were you I would stop seeing him until he can either tell you this is not for him, or make the move to your town with and commit to see how that goes. If you continue to see him nothing will change. It is time to move on if he is not moving forward. Don’t keep dragging this on hoping he will finally move. If he is not sure after dating for two years he is not the one for you.

lost April 16, 2012 at 8:45 AM

hello i happen to run across your website and wanted to ask you a question. i have been dateing this guy for almost 5 years. he takes good care of me and the kids. we were subpopse to get married last year and things didnt workout. when he told me last year that we were going to get married this year. i was excited. but as we went through alittle hardship in our relationship. one day he texted me and told me he did not want to get married anymore. and that he thought it was a good idea. that we be in a relationship. i know i pressured him and when i realized it. i backed off. our relationship is going ok. i just wanted to know will he every committe or iam i better off slowly letting him go. even though i dont but if thats whats best for me and him i will. i love him but i dont want to be in a realtionship thats not good for me and my kids. just to be happy for a moment and then its over. he tells me iam his soul mate but sometimes i think he tells me that. because i will help in stay in the relationship.

suzy April 16, 2012 at 10:39 AM

Hey thanks for leaving your comment. I’m happy to answer your question. So if I understand you correctly you have been in a exclusive relationship with this man for the past 5 years with a promise of marriage last year and again this year. But at the end of the day he backs off from getting married.

It’s very simple. Either you accept the fact that you and he will never marry and be okay with that….or you end the relationship if you feel you must be married to him. Don’t listen to his words but rather watch his actions. His actions are telling you that he is not going to marry you. The balls in your court. Stay and be content with the relationship as it is or leave. The key is don’t stay in the relationship hoping or expecting him to marry you because you will end up being very hurt. You do know that you can’t make a man commit…he has to want to commit all on his own.

Hope this helps,
Suzy

India March 14, 2012 at 9:38 PM

I met my bf about 23 months ago. We’ve been together now for about 19 months. From the beginning I made it clear that I wanted a relationship that would lead to marriage at some point. I also shared that I would not be with a man for 3 years or so without engagement. He claims to have a two year rule where he will not get engaged before two years. Well we are 5 months shy of the two year mark and many people have been asking him so when is he going to give me a ring. He finally admitted to me that he is fearful of commitment. He told me that he is not ready for it right now and understands if I feel I need to leave him to pursue marriage. He said he’s happy with where we are now and if it could stay as is “for now” he would be happy. He talked about seeing a counselor to help him with his fear which gave me hope. I shared with him that given he has broken up his previous relationships that there is a pattern here and for his own sake he should deal with this fear. He has been single for 20 years after a very bad divorce by an unfaithful wife. He’s had several serious relationships, one engagement, but no marriage since the divorce. He is everything I want in a man so I’m holding on for now but how do I continue with the relationship, give him time to address this issue and not pressure him but yet get across that I will not be waiting for ever. For the record, believe it or not we have not been sexual and he has been faithful. We are committed to our faith and that has helped us to be strong. Thanks.

suzy March 15, 2012 at 1:19 PM

Thanks India for sharing your story. Unfortunately, your situation is very similar to a lot of other women that ask me for help. Here’s the thing, he is being honest with you, but you don’t want to accept things as they are. You have only two choices. You either accept things the way they are without any expectation of him to change his mind. In other words, you stay with him knowing full and well he does not intend to marry you. Your pain and suffering are the result of you not wanting to accept what he is telling you.

You are wishing and wanting him to change, so you’re living on ‘hope’ rather then facing the truth of the situation. If you can’t be content and at peace with never getting married to him than you need to move on with your life now. If you’re holding off having sex until you’re married then you are actually in a non-committed, sexless relationship. By staying in this relationship for this long you are in fact saying that you will wait forever. As time goes by you will find yourself pressuring him because you are so unhappy that he won’t or can’t commit. When this happens the relationship will end and you will be angry that you waited for nothing.

I’m sure this is not what you want to hear from me, but if I don’t tell you the truth, it would be a unfair to you. Even though you are resisting the situation as it is, on a deeper level you know what I’m telling you is the truth. My advice is work on letting go of the relationship, rather than hanging on to it.

Take care,
Suzy Weiss

Monique February 28, 2012 at 3:16 PM

I have been dating this guy for 1 year and 10 months…my lease is up on my apartment in April…initally when I brought the idea of us moving together…he was reluctant as first because of a past experience but then decided okay…we can do it…well fast forward to a today and we really haven’t talked about it alot, other than joking comments that he would make…so I asked him about the living situation again and told him it was down to the wire but there is no pressure, I can get my own…what do you want to do and his response was…”we will talk about it tonight”…what is there to talk about is my worry…either you do or you don’t…So what do you think?

suzy February 28, 2012 at 3:51 PM

Hey Monique, this may be where you find out where this relationship stands. From what you are saying it does not sound like he’s really on board with living together. The fact that you are not pressuring him is good, but him waiting till the 11th hour before giving you a real answer is not good. It’s not respectful to you. But I do think the last thing you want to do is have this guy move in with you if his not 100% into this idea. If I were you I would take the lead on this one and tell him that you have decided not to have him move in at this time.

Here’s the thing, if you start living together and he’s reluctant for whatever reason that will put extra pressure on your relationship and it could result in a breakup. This way if you begin to feel like you want to be in a more committed relationship then he wants it will be easier for you to move on.

Let me know what happens,
Suzy

Judy January 2, 2012 at 9:38 AM

I have been seeing this guy for 3mths .We just see ea.other at his house on wkends.He has told his Mom and Dad about me and his friends.But 1 time we broke up for 3wks and he wanted to know how I feel about him and I told him I loved him.Now we are back together doing the same things.I would like a commitment or just to say he is my boyfriend.What do I do

suzy January 17, 2012 at 3:39 PM

Judy, before I can answer your question, I have a question for you. Why do you just see each other at his house on the weekends? Why only the weekends? Does he take you out on dates? Tell me more about your situation.

judy January 17, 2012 at 4:56 PM

We only see each other on wkend because we both work differant shifts and that is one of his problems,No he hasnt taken me out .But I did meet his Mom and Dad on his Birthday,We went to the Manderin, Resturant, he told me last wkend he has second thoughts again ,so Right now we just talk,

suzy January 17, 2012 at 5:21 PM

This guy is a jerk.
He doesn’t take you out on dates. Yet he expects you to be happy just hanging out at house on weekends and even with all that he has second thoughts. Judy, get real. You need to get a backbone, where is your self esteem? Stop putting up with this kind of behavior and move on. Find a man that will respect you and treat you like a lady!

Kathryn December 27, 2011 at 3:45 PM

i have been with my man for 3 years and no hint on marriage. he talks about it and jokes about it and finally today he told me he wishes to get married and have kids but he thinks he can not commite to anyone. i feel like i worked hard to get him for nothing he is my longest relationship i know he has had longer ones but my heart basically sunk to my throat i dont know what to do now.

suzy December 28, 2011 at 6:45 PM

Hi Kathryn, unfortunately your story is like so many other women who contact me for help. The hard truth is this situation, of he does not want commit, was just as much the truth when you first met as it is now, 3 years later. The most important question you must ask yourself is: why are you attracted to a man that is unable to commit to marriage when you want to be married? Most women say they thought that after being together for some time that he would change his mind about marriage. Is that what you thought?

I know your are in a lot of pain right now and that makes it hard to think clearly. But it is time to move on, if you really want to find a marriage minded man. Or you could just spend another 3 years with him hopping he will change. I don’t recommend that. What I do recommend is you take the time to work on yourself and discover why you are not attracting the kind of men that can and want to commit, get married and have children. But it all starts with you getting clear on your values and needs and not allowing yourself to settle for less and learning how to find your ideal partner that wants what you want.

When you’re ready to move on let me know and I will be more than happy to help you with the process.

Hugs,
Suzy

megan December 20, 2011 at 9:45 PM

I have been with this one person for 8 almost 9 months , and i do love him. I was with men before him and all they did was beat me and mentally abuse me. The one I’m with now has never raised a hand to me and does not put me down. When I put myself down he brings me right back up. He got me a promise ring but he told me the other day he was scared to fall in love with someone right now. We are 3 years apart and we are trying to get our own house and everything and I’m not sure if we moved too fast or not. His ex’s have cheated on him and done him wrong so he has his doubts about me but its okay. I mean i will never cheat on him or break his heart, he is the only one that had treated me good. so what do i do from here?

suzy December 24, 2011 at 3:29 PM

Hi Megan, it is nice to hear that you have met a man that is treating you with respect versus the men that treated you badly. The fact that the man you are now dating has been cheated on in the past in other relationships means he needs to be really sure that you can be trusted. 8 or 9 months is not very long to really get to know someone. You need to give this relationship more time and slow things down. I would say it is too soon to your own house that is moving too fast for him to feel that he can trust you. Take it slow and easy, there is no need to rush. You need to give him the time he needs to give you the commitment that is necessary for a successful relationship.

Hang in there, it sounds like you have a good man so it is worth the wait :smile:

Xianne September 18, 2011 at 1:45 AM

Hi Suzy,
We are in the same company. Since I started working in our company every time we saw each other it’s just hi and hello and some kidding moments because he is funny guy. No attraction involve for both of us. Even me I don’t want to get involved to other nationality in terms of relationship because for me we have different point view that somehow we will not understand each other. But I’m not against being friends with them, that’s the only thing I want from them, friendship and companionship, since I’m not in my own country. July this year we became friends in facebook. Since then almost every day we are talking thru chat then after a week we are using skype and we are seeing each other thru webcam every time we are chatting. He’s a very nice man; he has this funny personality that you cannot have dull moments with him that I can’t resist. Then the next month August we started going out sometimes he’s the one who dropped me home after work, then eat late dinner outside, so it happened many times, until we came to a point that I go with him in his place. And as expected we had sex. After that it happened again many times, I’m staying in his place for more than 2 hours and one time we are 24 hours together in his place. At that point I had this feeling that I’m starting to have feelings for him, but I knew him very well that he don’t want any commitment. That what we are doing is nothing serious that it’s just for fun. He’s a happy go lucky man. And he admitted that since before. That he’s a cheater and he has lots of girlfriends. So that time I decided to talk to him and had an agreement that if he has new girl or if he found someone new to have fun with he will let me know and he told same rules will be applied for me. So we had that deal. After that we still continue what we started, had sex going out staying and in his place, but difference now is we are not talking on the net that much as we use to be and the last time we had sex is third week of August. And because of those things, even I had no right because we had a deal I still asked him if he’s avoiding me. But as expected he told he’s just very busy with his work, and he’s not avoiding me, then he told me that “I thought we already talked about it, if there’s something going on with me I will tell you, you know me I’m very honest person”. Then I said ok I understand. Then we continue talking but not every day. He’s treating me the same. Until this month September 2011, then again I felt that he’s avoiding me and I have this instinct that my other officemate is being closed with him because they are enroll in one program after work doing some work out. But I didn’t ask him. But one time again I tried to talk to him seriously then again he told he’s not avoiding me he’s just really busy finishing all things before leaving going to vacation. Then I ask him what if I started to have feelings for him what he will do. But I told him it’s just what if. Then he answered me, that he don’t want to hurt my feelings so try not to fall for him because he’s a cheater and he knew himself very well that he cannot stay in long relation, that if I have feelings for him he will just hurt me every time since he cannot commit to one relation. He also told me that he really like me that once he knew I’m hurting; he will back out without notice in our situation now. And since I’m still enjoying what we have and I’m still happy with him, I told him that I’m not also looking for any relation, I just want to enjoy my life, and be happy with him and I will stay for whatever we have. I just told him once he wants to back out just tell me and I will understand. Then he agreed and promised me that nothing will change between us we still have this kind of situation, no commitment, no relation. And now he’s on vacation. I don’t know what to do Suzy. What I’m thinking now is that I’m still happy with what we have though I know that I will be hurt in the end. I will just show him who I am, because I’m really sweet with him I want to show him how important he is with me, that he’s making me happy, I don’t want to tell him that I do really have feelings for him. I will just go with the flow and pretend that nothing’s wrong that everything was ok as long as I feel happy being with him. And I’m not losing hope that I can change his point of view about commitment, about relation. I will show him everything he believed about relation and commitment was wrong. In short I will do my best to make him fall for me or at least have feelings for me. But I will not make him feel that I’m pressuring him, and I don’t want him to think that I have feelings for him. I just want to make things happen naturally that may he will have feelings for me. What do you think Suzy, am I doing the right thing? Please give me advice because every time we are together he’s so sweet and caring, he makes me feel that he cares for me specially when the time that we spend 24 hours together. And I know he’s honest that if there’s someone new he will tell me but he assured me now that there’s nothing going on. Do you think somehow he has feelings for me? Do you think he’s just afraid to show that to me maybe because of his ego, because he has this character in mind that he is a cheater and he can’t stay long in a relation? What is the best that I can do to make him fall for me? Is it really possible that he will have feelings for me? or he already has feelings for me? Thanks Suzy I hope you can give me advice and help about this.

My Best Regards,
Xianne

suzy September 27, 2011 at 4:30 PM

Hi Xianne, thank you for sharing your situation. Because I get so many emails from women with similar stories as yours, I wrote a blog about what you can do when up against this issue. Please go to “Why Men Won’t Commit?” for the complete answer to your problem.

Morgan September 8, 2011 at 12:26 PM

I have been dating and hanging out with the same person for 6 months. He says he really likes me and that he is not dating anyone else. Last night I told him that I really like him and I like hanging out with him all the time but I want more. He asked me if I was looking for a relationship and I said yes. We talked about it for a while and he said that he hasnt dated anyone since he was a freshman in high school and his senior year in college is not the time to start. He told me he did not want to be in a relationship but that he would make more of an effort to be more romantic. I told him that if after 6 months of dating and he still isnt ready to make it official than I did not want to hangout with him anymore. We already have a relationship we just do not have the title. We go on dates, talk everyday, and act like we are in a relationship. The only thing that an offical relationship would do is give us a title, it wouldnt change anything between us. He’s my best friend and I dont want to lose him, I know he’s not with anyone else but if he cant make an official committment after 6 months I dont think I can be with him anymore. I feel dumb for needing the title cause we already have everything else about a relationship. I cant be friends with people after I have feelings for them because it only makes it harder for me. I dont know what to do cause if I end things with him because of this I lose my best friend and my boyfriend. But if he really can not do this for me than I have to question how much he really cares about me.

suzy September 8, 2011 at 1:22 PM

Hey Morgan, you got a clear cut answer from this guy to your question. He can’t commit to a relationship with you. Do you know why he can’t do this? It appears that you don’t know the why he can’t. But what you do know is he can’t. What you don’t want to do is continue hanging out with him with the hope he will change his mind. You need to take the relationship for what it is: two people hanging out together end of story. If that won’t work for you then you need to move on and find a guy that you like without this problem. I believe he has a reason that only he knows of why he would not consider a relationship with you. But it does not sound like he has shared the reason with you. That is not a good sign and it may be in your favor to move on before you get hurt. You are not really losing anything because you don’t really have what you want. You want a relationship, he doesn’t. Don’t waste your time and energy with someone who does not share the same desire as you, nothing good will come of this.

Take care,
Suzy

Margaret August 29, 2011 at 9:37 PM

My boyfriend and I are 54. We have known each other since high school. I am almost through with a bad divorce. My husband was abusive.
He is highly educated, fun and sincere. The problem is his relationship with his mother who has dementia. He has four siblings. His mother became an alcoholic after he and his younger sister were born. He and his sister tried to boil water when a towel caught on fire and the house came close to completely burning down. His mother had left them at home on their own on a weekday afternoon. His father was a very successful attorney who worked to much. Needless to say, he hates his mother and will not see her. He married out of college, his girlfriend was pregnant. He has been divorced for 20 years and only wants casual sex and date nights. He is unemployed and I think this may have alot to do with the situation. He hates his ex-wife and mother. He has many good qualities.; Should I run????

suzy January 17, 2012 at 12:19 PM

Hi Margret, of course you know the answer to your question. Of course ‘run’ unless you want to go from the frying pan to the fire. You’re coming out of a bad relationship, what value do you see in going into what is going to be just as bad or maybe even worse?

Maybe I’m missing something here, please enlighten me if I am :???:

Sarah August 29, 2011 at 1:56 PM

Hi Suz,

I’ve had a crush on my neighbor (well, not right next door but close enough that we see each other every other day coming home from work or whatever). I moved there 2 years ago and soon after I moved in, I asked him to get a drink or something. He didn’t seem interested so I left it at a friendly neighborly relationship and continued to enjoy the eye-candy! He recently asked me to hang out with him. I agreed and we had the most fabulous time talking and laughing together for hours! We hung out a few other times that week and each time we lost track of time – talking until 2am on a weeknight. When we both looked at the clock, he said, “OMG I thought it was much earlier! The next week, he didn’t call or text or anything. I was really good about giving him his space as it seems that he had slipped into his “man cave” – for whatever reason. I simply couldn’t resist asking him to hang out again when we saw each other this weekend. I did it in a really non-threatening, easy going, way that gave him plenty of opportunity to say “no” without looking like a jerk. Then, I waited for him to remember our loosely made “plans” and he did! When we hung out, he really was letting me into his mind. He’s told me so many really private things and he makes it a point to touch me on my arm or leg when we’re laughing together. Last week, he asked me things about relationships (i.e. do you want kids, what’s the most important part of a marriage, etc. etc.). Last night, he dropped in a comment (very smoothly) about how he is “allergic” to relationships. I laughed and let it go at that. As I was leaving, I said I had fun and he said, “me too. There’ll be more good times.”
So, what’s the problem, you ask? I feel like he’s giving me mixed messages and it’s driving me a bit nutty. Is this normal – as, quite honestly, I don’t think I’ve been in a “normal” relationship for several years. Neither of us have been married and neither have kids. I’m 30. He’s 38 – and he grew up in a very religious family although neither of us are particularly religious now.
Help!
Looking forward to hearing your response!
S

suzy August 29, 2011 at 4:17 PM

Hey Sarah, its too soon to tell! Here’s the thing, you need to know a lot more about this guy before you go ‘GA’-'GA’ over him. Here are some questions: Has he ever been in a long term relationship? What was going on with him 2 years ago when you moved in the hood and opened the door so to speak to get to know each other? Mixed messages should be cause for alarm and that is why you feel ‘nutty.’ Your intuition is alerting you that something does not feel right. You need to be on guard with this man. He is playing some mind games with you. Have you met any of his friends? Have you introduced him to any of your friends? My warning to you is: Get to know a whole lot more about this guy then what he is telling you. Like what does he mean he is “allergic to relationships” etc. etc. Put your emotions into the neutral zone and let your gut, not your heart, guide you through this relationship.

I suggest you check out Men Made Easy to help you better understand why men do what they do.

Hope this helps,
Suzy

Sherry August 25, 2011 at 6:10 AM

Hi Suzzie,

I met this guy on a matrimonial website and we started chatting on the net. As we got to know each other we clicked at the first instance and chatted every day for couple of hrs at a stretch then after. We met few times and we are head over heels for each other now. Its just been 3 months and i am madly in love with this guy. He seems to like me a lot too. Every time i say i Love you he wont reply with love you too, he wud just say same here. He keeps on sayin Love is over rated. And he wont even commit for marriage. He says he needs time. My family is quiet pushy and wants me to ask him after meeting on matrimonial website d sole perpose a person is there is to marry. He says he is not ready for marriage. He clearly loves me and we do every thing a boy friend and girlfriend wud do but he wont even call me his girlfriend… he is strictly keeping our relationship as friendship… I was concerned by this andwen confronted him he just says der is no one else in my life.. It you only. cant u see how much i like you. But he wont say he loves me, make me his girl friend or marry me. We havnt made out or anything just some hugs n kisses. But we are so much emotionally attached. One day goes by and if i havent spoken to him he becomes all worried. i can see he loves me like crazy and he treats me very well…. But his lack of commitment and willingness to accept me as his girlfriend is starting to bother me….

I got a proposal from another guy for marriage, wen i confronted him and told him so he simply said he cant ask me to let go a good opportunity.. if i think the guy is good for me i shud marry him. But then when i said i cant marry anyone else and i wud wait for him he was all happy and glad coz he wanted me to wait for him. He just gets all diplomatic wen i ask him why cant he commit, wats keeping him. He just says some property issues n he is undecisive, he needs time. He is not ready. he wont give any clear answer just vaguely and politely say he cant commit now. What shud i do?? My family wont wait for yrs for him to get ready n i love him and dont want to marry anyone else.

I am trying to live in the moment and enjoy his company but I am soo confused and worried. I dont want to get heart broken and shattered again. I can tell for sure he is into me… Just i dont know what shud i do to make him accept his own feelings and see the fact for what it is and accept it and comit to me.

Please help suzzie… I am lost!

-Sherry

suzy August 25, 2011 at 4:22 PM

Hi Sherry,

Do you know that authentic love does not hurt or cause you to feel lost? This is the true test of love without exception. Your problem is you are infatuated with this guy, which is why you are feeling all this emotional pain. This man is clearly not the right man for you. Consider yourself lucky that he won’t commit, because by the end of the first year of marriage you life would be miserable. Not because this man your are so heads over heals over is a bad guy, he just isn’t the right one for you. He does not dearly and truly love you, he probably is infatuated with you as you are with him. Here is what you need to understand: infatuation can feel like love, it is obsessive and passionate but it can’t last over time, because it is not true love. That is why you feel confused and worried. When you find true love with the right partner everything will fall into place. That is why this guy can’t even commit to make you his girlfriend because you are not right for him and he is not right for you.

I know this is hard to hear right now but once you find your true love you will back on this experience and be able to see it for exactly what it is: Infatuation

Check out how to find authentic love.

Sam August 3, 2011 at 10:42 PM

Hi Suzy,

Thank you for writing such a great article. I find your advice very insightful!

I feel like I’m the one with a fear of commitement. I’m not sure if it’s because I suffer from low self-esteem. I have had 4 long term relationships with guys who were ready to marry me….but I knew from the start that I couldn’t see myself with them…that they weren’t “the one.” Seems like as I get older I dates guys who are further and further from the type I wish to be with. My last relationship was with a very abusive guy and I stayed with him for 3 years. It took me almost a year to recover. I am now with a guy who treats me really well but I don’t trust him and I don’t even know if it’s in my head because he doesn’t really give me any reasons not to. My family thinks that he is a great guy but that he’s still not worth my time because I can do “better than him”…I agree. He is missing a lot of qualities that I look for in a guy…but I feel “safe” being with him because he’s nice to me. Does that make sense to you? Why would a woman play it safe and stay in a relationship with a guy she’d never commite to rather than be single and look for a guy who’s close to perfect? Sometimes I think I’ll never find love…because I’m afraid of it. Mostly because I’m afraid to be alone in the meantime.

Thank you in advance for taking your time to read this post.

Sam

suzy August 4, 2011 at 1:33 PM

Hi Sam,
Thank you for you kind words! I must congratulate you for being willing to explore you own issues. That is a huge 1st step. In reading your post the one thing that stands out as your biggest stumbling block is you say you are afraid to be alone. You need to work on the alone issue for the purpose of getting comfortable in your own skin and to build your self esteem. Quite honestly you won’t move on in you life unless you tackle your alone issue. Your other issue of finding Mr. Perfect needs to be explored. What role does someone in your family play in finding Mr. Perfect to satisfy your Father’s Mother or whoever it is expectation of who he or she will feel is good enough for you? When a woman I was coaching finally figured out that she kept looking for a man that would make her Dad proud and fulfill his expectations of who would be good enough for her, she was able to meet her perfect mate. He happened to be nothing like all the other men she had dated that were in alignment with who she thought her Father would want her to be with. It ends up her Dad tells her all the time how lucky she is to have found this caring and wonderful man and how proud is of her choice. She was 45 years old before she got married because she kept trying to find Mr. Perfect to match her requirements in her head instead of her heart. Maybe your current guy is the one but you have not worked through your issues to know this. Check out my One on One Coaching Calls.

Kim July 18, 2011 at 7:22 AM

Suzy

I need your help. Im a widow with 2 grown kids and he is divorced with to 2 small kids. We been talking for 2 years and seeing each other when we can. We talk everyday on the phone.We both work and live 1 hour away from each other. When I ask him to come see me he says he has to work. I know he has the kids every other weekend ,but in the 2 years that we been together I didnt meet the kids yet. Is that a bad thing or good thing. I know his kids come first but I feel like I should get sometime with him to. He says he loves me , but I think he is afraid to get hurt again. I told him that I would not hurt him like his X did. Im one that is not good at words to ask him how he truely feels about me. I think Im afraid that he will not love me anymore. I was married to the same man for 22 year before he past three years ago. Please what should I do . Let him go or try to keep thing going with him.

Need you help !!

suzy July 18, 2011 at 6:34 PM

My first reaction is to tell you to move on with your life. I get the feeling that this guy is still married or for whatever reason not available. But, you have not given me much information to go on. For instance have you ever been to his home? You say you see each other when you can. Does that mean you meet at a motel and have sex or do you spend the weekend together or do you meet for dinner? How often have you actually seen him in this 2 year period? How did you meet him? The fact you have not met his kids and that he says he has to work when you invite him to come visit you does not add up to a relationship that could go anywhere. Sadly I get the feeling you are being used and you don’t have a clue as to what is going on with him. You should not be worried about losing him because you don’t really have him in terms of a honest to goodness relationship. If yo want to give me more details about this situation than I can give you better guidance. Something must have caused you to comment, has something changed for you or are you starting to see through the game? At this point I would encourage you to get serious about meeting men that are available to become a real partner for you and not a pretend relationship like you have now.

I know the truth is not always fun to hear but hope this helps you to sort things out!

damiedra June 2, 2011 at 10:45 AM

Hey suz!

Um..I’m an indian,i’m 19 and i got a boyfriend. He is very nice to me, takes care of me, is very particular about my needs and truly loves me and i love him back the same way with the same intensity.Our love is very intense. It’s been two years together almost. Everything’s nice and good..but he hasn’t committed to me yet :/ I talked to him it’s been like months that why dont he commit to me? Actually Suzy, he hails from another state (Punjab,India) and lives in my state(Delhi, India) for he has his college here. In holidays he goes back to his state Punjab,and i sulk.I know i have to accept this, but sometimes when i see my friends going out with their guys in the holidays its pathetic!

On me asking him about committing to me He said he is uncertain about his future. He doesnt know where will he land up.Like we’re in college now..after that..mba/pg/job.It’s like if he doesn’t get admission in my state Delhi for the mba..and has to go out to some other place which is not in delhi..like any other state,or if he doesnt get a good mba college and goes back to his own state punjab and carries his family business on his shoulders..it will be difficult for him to maintain a long-term relationship.And his exam for mba is in december and the results will be out in january(2011).

To which i ,idk it just hurts me when i hear this i cant imagine getting separated from him.Idk after all the hurting relationships i have had(2 of em) he is the right guy!i mean no one does THIS much for his girl what he has done to me and obviously i pay him back the same.

When he spoke the reason to his non-commitment to me i was shattered!I mean you know how it feels like dont you?He said i cant carry on the relationship if i go anywhere else fa r away from delhi.Do you think he said it right?

To which i replied we can try to carry on our relationship as far as we can..He was like okay.

I asked him to commit around a year back he said the above.Gave the above reason.

NOW

We recently started making out .it was in october.Not that we didnt have romance earlier but it was limited to hug and kiss.So..slowly we statred making out everytime we meeted.Still do.

I thought he after making out with me..would change his mind about what he had said earlier..but he has the same views even now!
Me being a girl cant think of hitting on any other guy now!ITs just him cause i made out to him..though i never told him this..but have dropped many hints..He’s helpless too in this regard he too wants to be with me but he is career oriented..which is a good thing..but it is my loss anyway :(

Suz please help me.Am i over reacting?Am i longing too much from sucha nice guy?Though i dont crib now i just said it twice o thrice..but only because i just cant let’im go!and we love each other so.And its just no other love that fades or where a girl is cheating or a guys is upon the other person.we know we’re ”devoted” to each other.both of us.but only i’m committed to him and he is just devoted :/

Guide me suz im going crazy!
Just that i love him and i cant lose him.
Innow this time if anything bad happens i dont know how will i recover from it.I’ll be completely shattered.TOTALLY!
Waiting for your reply..

suzy June 2, 2011 at 2:10 PM

I’m so sorry you are in such turmoil and pain over the fact that your boyfriend can’t commit to you at this time. I would say you have a very honest boyfriend and that should mean a lot to you. He seems very responsible and you said he treats you very well. What you should do is enjoy being with him in the moment and do not worry about the future. All this upset is taking away from the moments that you share with him right now. Things will work out however they need to in the future. All you have is the NOW. Shift your thinking and enjoy and have gratitude for every day you and he spend together. Stop doing the what if’s and learn how to live in the moment. If you can learn this at your age you will have an incredible life ahead of you. Stop fretting and complaining and take life one day at a time. I know it is simple to say this and not so easy to do this, but I have a strong feeling that you can achieve this different point of view. Remember true love should never hurt!

Hugs,
Suzy

Blessing July 13, 2011 at 9:01 PM

Action requires knowledge, and now I can act!

SS May 29, 2011 at 8:54 PM

Hi Suzy,
I like this guy in my flat. We have been innocently flirting with each other for a couple of weeks, before we started holding hands and cuddling. Then, he tells me that he’s not looking for a girlfriend or any form of relationship with me or anybody. Soon after, he brings his ex to live with him for a while. The reason he gave me was that she is unemployed, and when they were dating, and when he wan’t employed she helped him out, with money. And that he wanted to repay back what she did for him. But during this time, he treated her like a princess, such as making breakfast, lunch, etc. He even bought her a brand new laptop for her birthday. Then, he asks me to become friends with her, as she is feeling lonely in this flat. Because he goes to work. When his ex is not around, as in when she’s gone to meet her friends, he and I would have the best times together (and no, we haven’t had sex yet). But when she is around, he would feel awkward around me. And I understood it to a certain extent, I guess. His ex wanted to get back together with him, but he didn’t want to. And he never told her, that he had feelings for me, because that would just upset her even more.
His ex and I occasionally talked, and 2 weeks before her departure from the flat, we got to know each other really well. We even took a trip together. And in this trip, I felt guilty about what was happening when she wasn’t around, because I don’t like sneaking around, I told her, that he and I had feelings for each other and we did stuff, but it annoyed me that he would treat me in one way when she was around and quite differently when she wasn’t. This upset her so much, that upon returning, I’m guessing she told him everything. Because, after she left, he simply cut off all communication with me. He said, he didn’t want to see me again, not to bother saying hi, and removed me off his facebook account, just like that, and not to be a part of his or his ex’s life. And he didn’t even tell me why. Either way, I went and apologized to both of them, I ignored him for about a month. But it was really difficult, because I didn’t know what was he so upset about and that we live in the same flat. I noticed that he couldn’t stand being ignored. He was throwing subtle hints of wanting to talk to me. One day, I wrote a letter to him, conveying my feelings of how deeply hurt I was by his actions. And that I hated the way things were between us at that time, and I’m sad at having to ignore one of my closest friends here and that I miss him. Also, I would appreciate if he would say sorry. This letter changed his behavior, but he still didn’t come over and talk to me directly, until 3 days ago. He whispered a sorry, when I was passing him. And, it was usually drinks night in the flat that Friday, he offered me beer. Although, I wasn’t talking to him directly, we did bounce off conversations off our closest friend in the flat. And on Saturday, we all (in the flat, including him) went out. I tried talking to him, and we had normal conversations. We were even able to sneak out from the group and hang out. He tried to put his arms around me, but he looked as if he didn’t want to do it. Yesterday, he invited me to watch a movie with him. And I was all cool about it, because that letter did really help me let go of all the feelings that I had for him. And I just wanted us to be friends, to maintain the flat dynamic. Halfway into the movie, he tried to get close to me, and he tried to kiss me, but I didn’t kiss him back, if that makes sense. Because, I am not ready to go down that road again with him, until I am absolutely sure about it. So, I told him, that I didn’t want to kiss him, and I would appreciate if he would back off. Since, this was our first kiss, he said, he just wanted to kiss me once, and that he would never ask again. And I said no, because I like my first kiss to be with someone I like, and more meaningful, so that I can truly enjoy it. Then, he apologizes for what he did and that he screwed it up with me. He told me, he shouldn’t have let me talk with his ex. He kisses me and hugs me really tight, and says he doesn’t want to let me go. Compliments me on my looks, my body, and tries to get me to make love to him. I just tell him, I like him a lot but just as a friend. Probably before, I would have, but now, I’m not interested in him that way anymore. I also went as far as to tell him that I really thought he was it, and that he was the first guy I let my guard down for, and I’m not going to do that again with him. My only problem was that I let him kiss me and hug me. I didn’t reciprocate the kisses, but I did hug him. By the end of it, he tells me, before, when we cuddled, he got the feeling that I liked him, and today he didn’t, which was nice for him. He repeated that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. I told him neither am I.
He also doesn’t want anyone in the flat to know he has feelings for me, and that we did all the stuff that we did. However, one of my flatmate, is my closest friend, and I tell him everything.

So, that was the whole story. Here is my real problem:
1. Regardless, of what he did to me, I really do like him, and I want him to date me. I want to know where this would go. I think he still cares a lot for his ex. He says, she taunts him, and I don’t know why he puts up with her. He asks me to not count on him, in terms of, relationship material. But, I want to, even though I told him that I didn’t. Yet, I want us to be friends, understand each other first, before becoming anything more. Am I wasting my time with this guy? Will he ever admit to his ex girlfriend, that he likes me? Is he even really over with his ex girlfriend? Am I too naive to believe that I can change his mind? Can I actually trust this guy?

2. Can I tell him, that the flatmate, who is a close friend of mine, knows everything about him and me? Or will that just upset him? I don’t want to start another relationship with a lie.

I’m so confused. Help me Suzy! Thank you!

suzy May 30, 2011 at 3:16 PM

What is it about this guy actually telling you he is not interested in a relationship with you that you do not understand? Seriously why would you even want to be in a relationship where all you will ever get is crumbs? Is it that you want what you can’t have, is that your motivation? If it is that is guaranteed to bring you pain and suffering. Or is this a self esteem issue where you think no decent guy would want to be with you? The bottom line is you deserve a man that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him and who treats you with loving respect. This guy has shown you respect in that he has been honest with you by telling you don’t count on him in terms of relationship material. What you need to do now is respect his space and move on with your life. Sorry my friend, but there is no relationship opportunity with this man but there are men who are available and those are the men you want to meet. If you have not signed up for my free mini course 5 Deadly Dating Mistakes Women over 40 make I suggest you check it out. The sign up box is on the right hand side of my blog posts.

Hugs,
Suzy

Nora April 28, 2011 at 10:47 PM

Hello, Suzy! I think I met the most insecure man! We are dating for 2 yrs and still did not go anywhere. We had a great sex every 2 months as he is always busy with his family, his friends, his cars. He did not introduce me to his family. He was married 3 times and hates all women as he think we only need his money. He told me many times he will never marry me – why do I need another failure? He is in his 55+ but instead of thinking about future he is pushing me away. I love him truly and tried 2 times to leave but always came back – last time it took me 3 months and we met again – just for sex as he refused to talk about any future. I am very tired and frustrated but my love keeps me attached. I am his best woman as I look great and very intelligent and independent. We can talk about anything in the world but US! I have lost 40 pounds during our last break but he made a conclusion – you look hot so you slept around and just came back to me as you still did not find anybody. Any my attempt to be closer just push him away further. He drives me nuts. Can I keep him as a sex partner, cool down and look for another man at the same time? Im trapped, Ive got lost… Should I tell him that I will only meet for sex while looking for another man or it will make him angry? Please help as my head will blow out soon!!! Thank you!

suzy April 29, 2011 at 4:13 PM

Hi Nora,
You say you think you have met the most insecure man. I disagree. I think this man is very clear about communicating to you where he stands. Quite frankly he is not your problem. Your problem is you don’t seem to want to accept what he telling you and perhaps you are under the illusion that you can change his mind and he will realize you’re the one for him. Sorry to be the one to tell you that only happens in fairy tales, not the real world.
My question to you is why would you want to be with a man like this? You say you truly love him. Do you mean you love being treated badly? You say your look great, your intelligent and independent. Well you may look great and you may be independent but I have to question your intelligence at least when it comes to this relationship. An intelligent woman would not put up with this arrangement for 2 minutes let alone 2 years.
Seriously, get your head on straight and walk away from this unacceptable, going nowhere situation before you lose all your self worth.
Put your time and energy into meeting quality men that are interested in a committed relationship. I believe you are a strong enough woman to walk away from this guy and never look back. You deserve better than this don’t you think? And no you can’t keep him as a sex partner. That strategy will only tear down your self worth and really screw you up.
And one last tip, don’t jump in the sack with the new guy you will meet until you know without a doubt that you are in a committed relationship. That means he is as committed to the relationship as you are.
Hugs,
Suzy

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