When dating men over 40, what if you could get inside the head of a 40 something divorced man and hear what he is really thinks about dating and relationships.
Let me set the stage…
You are a woman dating over 40 that is actively meeting men in search of a serious relationship.
You meet this man that is reasonably attractive, well spoken, responsible and financially secure.
He is quite capable of handling his life after divorce in terms of the domestic issues like grocery shopping, cooking, doing laundry and cleaning.
He is also a committed father who takes an active interest in his children’s lives.
This guy looks like he has the potential of being a great catch for a divorced woman over 40 who is looking for that stable loving relationship.
But is he really all that you think he is?
Or is he something altogether different even though he believes he is a good guy?
Read on to get the unvarnished truth of what this man in his 40’s from Denver posted on Best Of Craigslist in response to “Those Disparaging The Over 40 Dating Crowd”
After each of his comments which are in italics, I have written my retort to his rant and I hope this will expose the consequences of mistakenly thinking he’s ‘The One’ when he’s not.
RE: 40′s and dating
Date: 2007-10-11, 11:29AM MDT
I am a man in my 40s and dating. I was married and against my wishes the marriage ended. I loved my wife deeply, she decided she no longer loved me and she wasn’t “happy”. So, now I date. I didn’t ask to be in my 40s and single, but reality being what it is I live with it.
Suzy: This man believes his divorce is 100% his wife’s fault and he was an innocent bystander. This guy seems certain that he is not responsible for any part of his failed marriage.
In fact he sees himself as a victim stuck with being single in his 40’s. Is seems obvious that he lacks honest introspection about what part he played in the ending of this relationship.
A red flag for the women he dates may be an undertone of lack of respect for all women.
I have no plans to ever get married again. I might have a steady girlfriend if the occasion arises, but she’d have to be pretty damn spectacular for me to make that leap. I have had all my children, I am financially secure and have a plan for myself that is better done without a typical American woman’s bullshit to goof it up. I don’t hate women at all by the way, I just know what is worth my time and what isn’t.
Suzy: He writes, “without a typical American woman’s bullshit to goof it up”
That is a little hostile don’t you think?
That’s quite revealing, by “American woman’s bullshit” does he mean things like communication, working together in a partnership and resolving conflicts when they arise?
If you were dating a man in his forties like him, he is going to make sure that you don’t have an opportunity to “goof up” his plan for himself. The red flag may show up in that he is emotionally unavailable.
I date for the occasional bit of company and to occasionally have sex, that’s about it. I don’t need a woman in my life full time. I can cook and clean, etc, etc. If I wanted full time companionship, I’d get a dog. Dog’s are much easier to deal with than women at this point in my life. Call me shallow, etc etc whatever, that’s fine with me. I know me a helluva lot better than anyone else does.
Suzy: I don’t know what his definition of “bit of company” means. Possibly he means an introduction just prior to having sex.
He views a woman as mostly able to satisfy his sexual needs. But he prefers a dog for companionship where he can be the master. Do you get the feeling that his ex wife got tired of being treated like a dog and dealing with this master?
This red flag may show up in his expectation of sex and not much more. In other words whenever he’s horny he calls you.
I do have some rules for dating. Since I am not a horny, partying twenty something or a desparate to have kids thirty something these rules work for me. I think everyone ought to come up with what works for them, keeping the reality of their particular situation in mind.
Suzy: Dating rules are a good thing. But what do you think of his dating rules?
My personal rules:
1. I never seriously date a woman who terminated her last relationship because she wasn’t “happy”. Happiness is an emotional response to external stimuli. To break the vow of “til’ death do us part” over an emotional state that may or may not be another person’s fault, is shallow and shows a lack of emotional maturity. It tells me that woman is too self absorbed to be a reliable partner in the future.
Suzy: I thought he didn’t want a partner, just a dog for companionship. Does this guy even realize he has an attitude of ‘it’s my way or the highway’ toward women and relationships?
On top of that he seems surprised that his former wife chose the ‘highway’ as her option.
Red flag: Pay attention to how a man responds to ‘why’ you got divorced.
2. I don’t date fat women. Sorry, all you “BBWs”; get a grip on reality. If you are walking around looking like you have a beer keg stuffed in your pants, you don’t give a shit about yourself, so I really don’t expect you to give a shit about me in the long run. Don’t give me that crap about how happy you are with yourself, you’re not and we both know it. If you and I had fallen in love twenty years ago, gotten married and had a family and you had put on the weight, I would still be with you, but we didn’t and so I see no need to accommodate your lack of character and discipline.
Suzy: He writes “you don’t give a shit about yourself, so I really don’t expect you to give a shit about me in the long run.”
He writes “I see no need to accommodate your lack of character and discipline.”
Help me understand how he can speak about ‘lack of character’ in another. He’s the poster boy when it comes to ‘lack of character’
Red flag, life with him, is all about him.
3. I won’t seriously consider dating a woman who has a lot of hangups about sex. Since I have had all my children, since I can cook and clean and make a damn good living for myself and my children, you bring nothing to the table I need in the traditional sense. Hell, most women can’t or won’t cook a decent meal anymore and are as a general rule clueless in regard to the domestic arts. If you have a lot of hangups about sex before we are monogamous, I pretty much see the writing on the wall after we have been together for a while. You might not like it, but sex is important to men, yes actually, it IS mostly about sex. Now that we are all well educated as to the dangers of unprotected sex, STDs and birth control, I don’t see the problem. Your pussy is not the only one in the universe and it isn’t plated with gold. If you won’t have sex with a man, one of your slutty sisters around the corner will.
Suzy: “It IS mostly about sex” he writes. “If you won’t have sex with a man, one of your slutty sisters around the corner will,” he also writes.
The key phrase here is “sex with a man” He can’t be thinking he’s a real man, can he?
How could he not know he’s a ‘wuss’ and a loser?
Red flag, you will start to feel like a prostitute or like he writes “your slutty sisters around the corner.” If you spend time with this kind of man.
4. Feminists. I don’t date women who are avowed feminists with a “you go girl” mentality. Sorry, but your little movement fucked things up in a major way. I think women ought to vote, receive equal pay for equal work etc. etc. I do have enough sense to recognize that whether by design or chance, men and women are different and since I think that form follows function there is a reason for our differences. I don’t want to be around a woman who wants to prove to me she is as good as I am at “man” stuff. It is annoying. It makes you look stupid and insecure.
Suzy: He writes, “I don’t want to be around a woman who wants to prove to me she is as good as I am at “man” stuff. It is annoying. It makes you look stupid and insecure.”
Do you think in reality he is actually fearful that a REAL woman could make him look stupid and insecure rather than the other way around?
Red flag, he will always want to be the on top when having sex because that is “man stuff.”
5. “Independent” women. I never date a woman who feels the need to tout her own independence. First, independent entities by definition do not want or need to be in any type of union with another entity. When the United States declared independence from Great Britain, we dissolved the ties that had
connected us to the British. I myself am independent and feel no need to tell everyone about it. It is called being an adult. Being able to take care of yourself doesn’t make you special, it makes you “grown folks”. Second, if you are that independent, why are you looking for a relationship in the first place? Independence is the opposite of dependence and being able to depend on others is why we get into relationships of any kind in the first place.
Suzy: Didn’t he tout his independence earlier in this rant? Relationship Red flag what’s good for the goose is NOT good for the gander from my understanding of his rule #5.
6. Women who spend every weekend perched on a barstool. I don’t date these over the hill party girls because as an adult male, I know why men go to bars and clubs and as a mature adult woman you ought to as well. If you do know and still sit there every weekend you are trying to be something you aren’t (young, unless you are a drunk) and I have no desire to be with a woman who lives in a fantasy world. If you haven’t figured out why men go to bars and clubs and you are sitting there hoping to meet prince charming, you are clueless and I like to think the women I date have a modicum of intelligence.
Suzy: He writes “I like to think the women I date have a modicum of intelligence,” (translation: they agree with me and don’t have independent thoughts) Red flag, don’t try to act more intelligent than his dog or you will be trying to be something you aren’t supposed to do. I think that’s what he means.
7. I don’t date women who have their children full time. Might come across as a shitty attitude to have, but I see no need to be a full time father to someone else’s children and a part time father to my own. This is a personal preference I developed after having discussions with my own children. Mine have been through enough already, I’m the Dad and feel I am doing what is best for my children, they were here first.
Suzy: Red flag he will only want to date you when your children are with your ex. Good news is you will never have to put your children through the misfortune of meeting this man.
Interesting side note: He never mentions the gender of his children. It would be a tragedy if he has girls.
8. Anyone who is fanatical about much of anything. If you are religious fanatic, I too believe in God. I have a degree in Theology as a matter of fact, but as far as I can tell, God didn’t assign any woman at anytime to be my moral gatekeeper. He did tell you to be “keepers at home”, if you are so caught up in church work that you are making your family the second priority in your life you aren’t following your own rule book. I digress, fanaticism of any kind is a psychological addiction and I prefer to spend my time with people who lead a well balanced life. Addiction of any kind is a turn off.
Suzy: Red flag, he talks out of both sides of his mouth.
He wants you to make your own family the priority in your life, but not date a woman with children who has them full time, so he can spend time with without your children. Is that what he is saying?
9. Overly materialistic. My preference. I grew up dirt poor and have by hard work gotten myself to a pretty good spot in life. If you have a desire and need to get the latest and greatest and keep up with the Jones family, you aren’t for me. I see no need to potentially work myself into an early grave to keep you in shiny trinkets and new cars. I am pretty content with a pot of beans and a nice clean, comfortable house in a decent neighborhood and a vehicle that works and is safe. If $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ is what motivates you, I am not mad at you or knocking you for it, I am personally not interested. No, I am not “poor”, it is about priorities.
Suzy: Let’s call it what it is. This guy is cheap.
More than likely he would want you to pay your half of the tab when on a date with him. However don’t do it like a feminist would. He can’t deal with that.
Red flag, don’t expect more than dog treats when dating this guy.
There ya go. Don’t know why I posted this. Saw the comments about people in their 40s dating and this is what came to mind. I have no real interest in getting into another permanent relationship. I am content to spend the rest of my life single, but that works for me.
For those disparaging the over 40 dating crowd, even 40 somethings get lonely at times, some more than others. Some of those people are there through no fault of their own. they were and are good men and women who had an ex get middle aged crazy and left a good man or woman behind to chase after something they thought they were missing. Maybe the other person was an abusive asshole or addict and the one who is single had to leave for any number of reasons. All sorts of reasons people over 40 are single. Keep breathing and you might find yourself there some day.
* Location: COS
Craiglist PostingID: 446210922
In summary, what have we learned about this man. He is hostile, angry, self centered and hates women. His idea of a relationship is very one sided and it does require personal growth or change on his part.
After all, “He Is Perfect The Way He Is” (reminds me of my ex). He has defined his life, and a woman must fit into his reality – it’s clearly not a merger or a partnership.
The sad truth is he will find 40ish women who want to be with him. Possibly he may meet some women who will even want to marry this type of guy.
A woman who would tolerate this type of man would have a self worth that is almost non existent and that may be as a result of her divorce.
She would be vulnerable to his brainwashing that she is so lucky to be with him and to honor and obey him. And that her very existence is to make him happy.
From my point of view this is WHY it is imperative that a divorced woman dating men over 40 spend the time after divorce to work through her issues and low self esteem.
And that she gets crystal clear about the values and qualities that she must have in a man before she jumps into another relationship.
Stick to your guns, there are good men out there (you don’t need to settle for this Frog in Prince’s Clothing).
So, what do you think?
Am I totally off base?
Is this guy really a keeper?
Tell me your thoughts.
Have you dated a guy like this or were you married to this type of man?
Love to hear your comments.
P.S. Clearly this ‘guy’ won’t do anything to enhance your self esteem.
Check out my secret weapon to increase your self confidence.
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- 2010: Love And Dating Predictions For Women Over 40
- How to Get Started Dating For Women – Dating After Divorce
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