Dating Men Over 40 – Prince Charming Turns Into A Frog

by suzy

Prince Dating Men over 40 Dating Men Over 40   Prince Charming Turns Into A FrogWhen dating men over 40, what if you could get inside the head of a 40 something divorced man and hear what he is really thinks about dating and relationships.

Let me set the stage…

You are a woman dating over 40 that is actively meeting men in search of a serious relationship.

You meet this man that is reasonably attractive, well spoken, responsible and financially secure.

He is quite capable of handling his life after divorce in terms of the domestic issues like grocery shopping, cooking, doing laundry and cleaning.

He is also a committed father who takes an active interest in his children’s lives.

This guy looks like he has the potential of being a great catch for a divorced woman over 40 who is looking for that stable loving relationship.

But is he really all that you think he is?

Or is he something altogether different even though he believes he is a good guy?

Read on to get the unvarnished truth of what this man in his 40’s from Denver posted on Best Of Craigslist in response to “Those Disparaging The Over 40 Dating Crowd

After each of his comments which are in italics, I have written my retort to his rant and I hope this will expose the consequences of mistakenly thinking he’s ‘The One’ when he’s not.

The Best Of CraigslistBest of Craigslist Dating Men Over 40.60 Dating Men Over 40   Prince Charming Turns Into A Frog

RE: 40′s and dating
Date: 2007-10-11, 11:29AM MDT

I am a man in my 40s and dating. I was married and against my wishes the marriage ended. I loved my wife deeply, she decided she no longer loved me and she wasn’t “happy”. So, now I date. I didn’t ask to be in my 40s and single, but reality being what it is I live with it.

Suzy: This man believes his divorce is 100% his wife’s fault and he was an innocent bystander. This guy seems certain that he is not responsible for any part of his failed marriage.

In fact he sees himself as a victim stuck with being single in his 40’s. Is seems obvious that he lacks honest introspection about what part he played in the ending of this relationship.

A red flag for the women he dates may be an undertone of lack of respect for all women.

I have no plans to ever get married again. I might have a steady girlfriend if the occasion arises, but she’d have to be pretty damn spectacular for me to make that leap. I have had all my children, I am financially secure and have a plan for myself that is better done without a typical American woman’s bullshit to goof it up. I don’t hate women at all by the way, I just know what is worth my time and what isn’t.

Suzy: He writes, “without a typical American woman’s bullshit to goof it up”
That is a little hostile don’t you think?

That’s quite revealing, by “American woman’s bullshit” does he mean things like communication, working together in a partnership and resolving conflicts when they arise?

If you were dating a man in his forties like him, he is going to make sure that you don’t have an opportunity to “goof up” his plan for himself. The red flag may show up in that he is emotionally unavailable.

I date for the occasional bit of company and to occasionally have sex, that’s about it. I don’t need a woman in my life full time. I can cook and clean, etc, etc. If I wanted full time companionship, I’d get a dog. Dog’s are much easier to deal with than women at this point in my life. Call me shallow, etc etc whatever, that’s fine with me. I know me a helluva lot better than anyone else does.

Suzy: I don’t know what his definition of “bit of company” means. Possibly he means an introduction just prior to having sex.

He views a woman as mostly able to satisfy his sexual needs. But he prefers a dog for companionship where he can be the master. Do you get the feeling that his ex wife got tired of being treated like a dog and dealing with this master?

This red flag may show up in his expectation of sex and not much more. In other words whenever he’s horny he calls you.

I do have some rules for dating. Since I am not a horny, partying twenty something or a desparate to have kids thirty something these rules work for me. I think everyone ought to come up with what works for them, keeping the reality of their particular situation in mind.

Suzy: Dating rules are a good thing. But what do you think of his dating rules?

My personal rules:

1. I never seriously date a woman who terminated her last relationship because she wasn’t “happy”. Happiness is an emotional response to external stimuli. To break the vow of “til’ death do us part” over an emotional state that may or may not be another person’s fault, is shallow and shows a lack of emotional maturity. It tells me that woman is too self absorbed to be a reliable partner in the future.

Suzy: I thought he didn’t want a partner, just a dog for companionship. Does this guy even realize he has an attitude of ‘it’s my way or the highway’ toward women and relationships?

On top of that he seems surprised that his former wife chose the ‘highway’ as her option.

Red flag: Pay attention to how a man responds to ‘why’ you got divorced.

2. I don’t date fat women. Sorry, all you “BBWs”; get a grip on reality. If you are walking around looking like you have a beer keg stuffed in your pants, you don’t give a shit about yourself, so I really don’t expect you to give a shit about me in the long run. Don’t give me that crap about how happy you are with yourself, you’re not and we both know it. If you and I had fallen in love twenty years ago, gotten married and had a family and you had put on the weight, I would still be with you, but we didn’t and so I see no need to accommodate your lack of character and discipline.

Suzy: He writes “you don’t give a shit about yourself, so I really don’t expect you to give a shit about me in the long run.”

He writes “I see no need to accommodate your lack of character and discipline.”

Help me understand how he can speak about ‘lack of character’ in another. He’s the poster boy when it comes to ‘lack of character’

Red flag, life with him, is all about him.

3. I won’t seriously consider dating a woman who has a lot of hangups about sex. Since I have had all my children, since I can cook and clean and make a damn good living for myself and my children, you bring nothing to the table I need in the traditional sense. Hell, most women can’t or won’t cook a decent meal anymore and are as a general rule clueless in regard to the domestic arts. If you have a lot of hangups about sex before we are monogamous, I pretty much see the writing on the wall after we have been together for a while. You might not like it, but sex is important to men, yes actually, it IS mostly about sex. Now that we are all well educated as to the dangers of unprotected sex, STDs and birth control, I don’t see the problem. Your pussy is not the only one in the universe and it isn’t plated with gold. If you won’t have sex with a man, one of your slutty sisters around the corner will.

Suzy: “It IS mostly about sex” he writes. “If you won’t have sex with a man, one of your slutty sisters around the corner will,” he also writes.

The key phrase here is “sex with a man” He can’t be thinking he’s a real man, can he?

How could he not know he’s a ‘wuss’ and a loser?

Red flag, you will start to feel like a prostitute or like he writes “your slutty sisters around the corner.” If you spend time with this kind of man.

4. Feminists. I don’t date women who are avowed feminists with a “you go girl” mentality. Sorry, but your little movement fucked things up in a major way. I think women ought to vote, receive equal pay for equal work etc. etc. I do have enough sense to recognize that whether by design or chance, men and women are different and since I think that form follows function there is a reason for our differences. I don’t want to be around a woman who wants to prove to me she is as good as I am at “man” stuff. It is annoying. It makes you look stupid and insecure.

Suzy: He writes, “I don’t want to be around a woman who wants to prove to me she is as good as I am at “man” stuff. It is annoying. It makes you look stupid and insecure.”

Do you think in reality he is actually fearful that a REAL woman could make him look stupid and insecure rather than the other way around?

Red flag, he will always want to be the on top when having sex because that is “man stuff.”

5. “Independent” women. I never date a woman who feels the need to tout her own independence. First, independent entities by definition do not want or need to be in any type of union with another entity. When the United States declared independence from Great Britain, we dissolved the ties that had
connected us to the British. I myself am independent and feel no need to tell everyone about it. It is called being an adult. Being able to take care of yourself doesn’t make you special, it makes you “grown folks”. Second, if you are that independent, why are you looking for a relationship in the first place? Independence is the opposite of dependence and being able to depend on others is why we get into relationships of any kind in the first place.

Suzy: Didn’t he tout his independence earlier in this rant? Relationship Red flag what’s good for the goose is NOT good for the gander from my understanding of his rule #5.

6. Women who spend every weekend perched on a barstool. I don’t date these over the hill party girls because as an adult male, I know why men go to bars and clubs and as a mature adult woman you ought to as well. If you do know and still sit there every weekend you are trying to be something you aren’t (young, unless you are a drunk) and I have no desire to be with a woman who lives in a fantasy world. If you haven’t figured out why men go to bars and clubs and you are sitting there hoping to meet prince charming, you are clueless and I like to think the women I date have a modicum of intelligence.

Suzy: He writes “I like to think the women I date have a modicum of intelligence,” (translation: they agree with me and don’t have independent thoughts) Red flag, don’t try to act more intelligent than his dog or you will be trying to be something you aren’t supposed to do. I think that’s what he means.

7. I don’t date women who have their children full time. Might come across as a shitty attitude to have, but I see no need to be a full time father to someone else’s children and a part time father to my own. This is a personal preference I developed after having discussions with my own children. Mine have been through enough already, I’m the Dad and feel I am doing what is best for my children, they were here first.

Suzy: Red flag he will only want to date you when your children are with your ex. Good news is you will never have to put your children through the misfortune of meeting this man.

Interesting side note: He never mentions the gender of his children. It would be a tragedy if he has girls.

8. Anyone who is fanatical about much of anything. If you are religious fanatic, I too believe in God. I have a degree in Theology as a matter of fact, but as far as I can tell, God didn’t assign any woman at anytime to be my moral gatekeeper. He did tell you to be “keepers at home”, if you are so caught up in church work that you are making your family the second priority in your life you aren’t following your own rule book. I digress, fanaticism of any kind is a psychological addiction and I prefer to spend my time with people who lead a well balanced life. Addiction of any kind is a turn off.

Suzy: Red flag, he talks out of both sides of his mouth.

He wants you to make your own family the priority in your life, but not date a woman with children who has them full time, so he can spend time with without your children. Is that what he is saying?

9. Overly materialistic. My preference. I grew up dirt poor and have by hard work gotten myself to a pretty good spot in life. If you have a desire and need to get the latest and greatest and keep up with the Jones family, you aren’t for me. I see no need to potentially work myself into an early grave to keep you in shiny trinkets and new cars. I am pretty content with a pot of beans and a nice clean, comfortable house in a decent neighborhood and a vehicle that works and is safe. If $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ is what motivates you, I am not mad at you or knocking you for it, I am personally not interested. No, I am not “poor”, it is about priorities.

Suzy: Let’s call it what it is. This guy is cheap.

More than likely he would want you to pay your half of the tab when on a date with him. However don’t do it like a feminist would. He can’t deal with that.

Red flag, don’t expect more than dog treats when dating this guy.

There ya go. Don’t know why I posted this. Saw the comments about people in their 40s dating and this is what came to mind. I have no real interest in getting into another permanent relationship. I am content to spend the rest of my life single, but that works for me.

For those disparaging the over 40 dating crowd, even 40 somethings get lonely at times, some more than others. Some of those people are there through no fault of their own. they were and are good men and women who had an ex get middle aged crazy and left a good man or woman behind to chase after something they thought they were missing. Maybe the other person was an abusive asshole or addict and the one who is single had to leave for any number of reasons. All sorts of reasons people over 40 are single. Keep breathing and you might find yourself there some day.

* Location: COS

Craiglist PostingID: 446210922

In Prince Really a Frog Dating Men Over 40   Prince Charming Turns Into A Frogsummary, what have we learned about this man. He is hostile, angry, self centered and hates women. His idea of a relationship is very one sided and it does require personal growth or change on his part.

After all, “He Is Perfect The Way He Is” (reminds me of my ex). He has defined his life, and a woman must fit into his reality – it’s clearly not a merger or a partnership.

The sad truth is he will find 40ish women who want to be with him. Possibly he may meet some women who will even want to marry this type of guy.

A woman who would tolerate this type of man would have a self worth that is almost non existent and that may be as a result of her divorce.

She would be vulnerable to his brainwashing that she is so lucky to be with him and to honor and obey him. And that her very existence is to make him happy.

From my point of view this is WHY it is imperative that a divorced woman dating men over 40 spend the time after divorce to work through her issues and low self esteem.

And that she gets crystal clear about the values and qualities that she must have in a man before she jumps into another relationship.

Stick to your guns, there are good men out there (you don’t need to settle for this Frog in Prince’s Clothing).

So, what do you think?

Am I totally off base?

Is this guy really a keeper?

Tell me your thoughts.

Have you dated a guy like this or were you married to this type of man?

Love to hear your comments.

Hugs,

Suzy Weiss

P.S. Clearly this ‘guy’ won’t do anything to enhance your self esteem.
Check out my secret weapon to increase your self confidence.

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{ 15 comments }

Kay April 1, 2012 at 2:51 AM

The angry man from the earlier post is venting, but oddly, his anger comes from his pain.
He is a man who has lost control of things, and that makes him insecure and consequently, very angry. He also prefers to be a victim, stating ‘against my wishes’ I am single, MY WIFE LEFT ME, so now what else can I do? I date. His statements are very telling:
‘I date for the occasional bit of company and to occasionally have sex’, I GO OUT WITH A WOMAN TO HAVE SEX ‘ I might have a steady girlfriend if the occasion arises’, IF ITS CONVENIENT, I WOULD HAVE A WOMEN IN MY LIFE ON A REGULAR BASIS. I don’t need a woman in my life full time. If I wanted full time companionship, Id get a dog’. ‘I am not a horny 20-somthing’ A WOMAN IS NOT FOR COMPANIONSHIP
‘ I never seriously date a woman who terminated because she wasn’t “happy”. I WONT BE VULNERABLE OR TAKE A CHANCE IF I HEAR A WOMAN SAY SHE REJECTED A MAN BECAUSE HE DIDNT MAKE HER HAPPY. To break the vow of “til’ death do us part” is (not) a reliable partner in the future. MY WIFE REJECTED ME WHEN SHE PROMISED TO BE THERE WITH ME FOREVER. If I had fallen in love twenty years ago, married, had a family and you put on weight, I would still be with you’ ACCEPTING FAULTS IS A PRIVILEDGE THAT COMES ONLY WITH MANY YEARS OF MARRIAGE. I won’t seriously consider dating a woman who has a lot of hangups about sex. I CANNOT ACCEPT A WOMAN WHO SEXUALLY REQUIRES THINGS OF ME you bring nothing to the table I need in the traditional sense. I DONT NEED YOU Most women are clueless in regard to the domestic arts. WOMEN ARE NOT AS METICULOUS AS I. If you have a lot of hangups about sex before we are monogamous…’ IF YOU ARE SEXUALLY DISCERNING BEFORE I COMMIT YOU ARE NOT FOR ME. ‘I don’t date women with a “you go girl” mentality. I HATE WOMEN WITH A YOU GO GIRL MENTALITY. Sorry, but your little movement fucked things up in a major way. I AM ANGRY WOMEN HAVE DISPUTED PATRIARCHY. I don’t want a woman who is as good as I am at “man” stuff. It makes you look stupid and insecure. A WOMAN WHO IS AS GOOD AS I AM MAKES ME FEEL STUPID AND INSECURE. ‘I like to think the women I date have a modicum of intelligence.’ I AM SENSITIVE ABOUT MY PERCIEVED INTELLIGENCE AND WANT OTHERS TO KNOW A WOMAN WITH ME IS MODERATELY SMART BUT NEVER SMARTER THAN I PERCIEVE MYSELF TO BE. I don’t date women who have their children. This is a preference I developed. Mine were here first. I WILL NOT CARE IN ANY WAY FOR CHILDREN OTHER THAN MINE, ONLY THEY MATTER. ‘independent entities do not want or need a union with another. I myself am independent… (it)doesn’t make you special. ‘if you are independent, why are you looking for a relationship? (its) the opposite of dependence and being able to depend on others is why we (have) relationships in the first place. (there is a struggle here) I AM INSECURE ABOUT INDEPENDENT WOMEN BECAUSE THEY DONT NEED ME.’I grew up poor and by hard work gotten myself a good life. I see no need to potentially work to (give) you trinkets and new cars. I am pretty content with beans and a nice, clean, comfortable house in a (good) neighborhood and vehicle. I am not “poor”, (these are my) priorities. (I) get lonely at times, (I am here) through no fault of (my) own. (I was) good men who had an ex get middle aged crazy and left (me) behind to chase after something they thought they were missing. Maybe the other person(I) was an abusive asshole or addict and the one who is single (she) had to leave for any number of reasons. (this statement seemed confused)

Scott January 29, 2012 at 7:11 PM

You’ve got to be kidding me! There are woman out there called narcissists that have boardline personality disorders. Personally, I tried for two years through individual therapy, group therapy, couples therapy, and self study to try and save my marriage. In the end, I was forced out of my home, she was arrested and charged for assault against me, and the State of Colorado still gave her quite a settlement. In short, she sucked the blood right out of me and legally got a really good settlement that will affect how I live my golden years-thievery!

Most people find me to be a good guy and very good friend (for some). But, I’m never going to risk putting another person in a position of trust to where I can be forced from my home due to abuse by someone who can drain my retirement accounts and take away a healthy portion of my Social Security.

What is not being considered in your article is that people called men, who work for a living, and some try to do their best to build a life for themselves, sometimes are really screwed over by women who only want, want, and want some more. Once you can give no more, they throw you away like yesterday’s trash. And BY LAW, woman can take away 1/2 of what you have AT WILL!!! In the State of Colorado it doesn’t matter. One person decides to no longer be married and that’s it! Kiss 1/2 of your stuff and 1/2 of your retirement goodbye.

Yes… I married the wrong woman and it is all MY fault. But, hindsight is 20/20 and it took me two years to focus in and find out what make her tick. Most people don’t have the training to identify personality disorders. I do now. So men should beware!

So, I challenge you to write a counter article on how some women sometimes latch onto men and use love and relationships to achieve their personal goals. And, explain how men must be careful not to be sucked into relationships that can have SERIOUS consequences to their financial and emotional future. Personally, in many ways, I understand the poor guy who you are exemplifying as an asshole. So, if you can be objective instead of being a man-basher, you might earn my respect. I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole!

Cheers…

suzy January 30, 2012 at 6:21 PM

Wow, this blog really struck a chord in you, didn’t it? I’m sorry for your pain and suffering, but why do you want to stay stuck in the angry victim role? Hey, life is not fair. It’s a two way street, bad things happen to good people as well as bad people. Seriously my friend, you need to move on and leave the past in the past. This is not about man bashing, woman bashing or any bashing. Your like a heat seeking missile looking for where you can spew out your anger and rage. I’m sure you can’t hear me, but I wish you could. Life is too short to spend it being angry. Just think how your life could be if you decided to be happy and enjoy the good things that life has to offer. Wouldn’t that be better than what you are putting yourself through right now? I know I can’t help you, but I wish I could wake you up to the light side of life versus the dark side. Take the time to smell the roses and pet a puppy, that’s all I can offer to you!

Scott January 30, 2012 at 10:38 PM

Yes, I was/am a victim, and I was and will continue to pay the price as per the law. Facts are facts. Heh! Even the State of Colorado provided me with a “Victim’s Advocate” because my ex assaulted me. And, I should be angry given my circumstances. That’s part of a normal healing process. To not be angry would be abnormal and unhealthy. It’s how you channel your anger and learn from experiences that are important.

I am not consumed by my past mistakes. I’m generally happy and am living a good life.

What makes me angry (“strikes a chord”) about your article is that there are tangible reasons for “red flags” and I feel your insights are very insensitive and misguiding. People and feelings are not “red flags”, they are living bodies that for whatever reason might be more careful to commit for reasons such as the ones I exemplified.

I agree that people need to be very careful before venturing into a serious relationship. But, what are the “REAL” signs of a rough road ahead? It’s very simple. Beware of those who cannot say they’re sorry and those who cannot empathize. Otherwise, it’s all about chemistry. I suppose that doesn’t make for a good article, however.

Someone like me who may never venture into a serious relationship again will need lots of time and understanding prior to making a commitment. I’m 50 and most everyone at my age has battle scars – that’s normal. So, I think people need to be sensitive instead of being dismissive.

Yes, I hear you better than you’ll ever know. But, did you hear me, Suzy? Hummm… from what I can surmise from your posting, you see me as a ragaholic whom you cannot help. But I should stop and smell the roses. Really? Was that helpful to me or anybody else? Ummmm… Probably not. Well, you didn’t answer my challenge, but I said what I wanted to anyway. The Internet is a wonderful thing. :)

Take care and good luck, Suzy.

suzy January 31, 2012 at 7:22 AM

Hey Scott, thanks for your follow up.

The one thing you may be missing here, is I did not have to approve your comment and allow it to be posted, just as I’m doing now with this response. My website is dedicated to divorced women over 40. You don’t fall into that category. However I wanted to give you an opportunity to be heard. In other words hear it from the horses mouth so to speak, way better than me writing a blog about it as you suggested. I have empathy for you and your situation and I know it takes courage to move on with your life. I’m glad to hear you’re “generally happy and living a good life”. And yes I did hear you loud and clear. But you judged from my post that I saw you as a “ragaholic” that I could not help. That is not how I saw you. I would caution you about judging how another may perceive your situation. I see you as a man in a lot of pain and I hope for your sake that you can eventually heal and learn to trust again.

Good luck my friend and thanks for sharing.
Suzy

Ed January 19, 2012 at 11:20 PM

One more thing I thought of that might be of interest, since the real point of this page seems to be how can women over 40 meet men they would like. Go to where there are men and women who share your interests and start to hang out. I learned this in law school when I spent all my time in the library, because I liked it. After a couple of months those of us who were regulars started recognizing each other. The result was that I made great friends who shared my nerdy, quiet love for books and ideas. So go where you love to be and stake a place. That way when you attract someone it is more likely to be someone you like. And ladies, please don’t be afraid to introduce yourself. As a teenager I was a shy boy. Now I’m a shy man who doesn’t want to be perceived as a creep trying to hit on women. Send a signal. At least at this age I’m old enough to figure it out.

suzy January 20, 2012 at 9:57 AM

Again Ed, your advice is spot on. You are parroting everything I teach. In fact after my divorce I met my ideal partner when attending a meditation workshop where most of the participants were women and only a few men. I thrive on anything connected to personal growth and so does he, so it makes sense we met at an event we both had a strong interest in. And Ladies are you listening to what Ed is saying about introducing yourself? Here is a guy that sounds incredibly sensitive and kind and admits he’s shy. I wonder how many women missed out on meeting Ed because they did not make the first move to introduce themselves?

I have to admit Ed that I would never think of putting the word sensitive and attorney in the same sentence, but thank you for proving me wrong. Now if you tell me you’re a divorce attorney, you will definitely blow my mind :eek:

Thanks a bunch,
Suzy

Ed January 19, 2012 at 11:10 PM

I’m a 50 year old man and after reading this my reaction is that this fellow simply has a negative outlook on life. He focuses on everything he doesn’t like. It seems like he cannot let go of problems in his past and projects them into his future. My general view of divorced women compared to single women is that they may be more likely to have some wisdom and perspective on life from being in a marriage and going through a break up. On the other hand maybe they were the problem person in the relationship. You have to get to know people to find these things out one way or the other. Another potential positive about someone who is divorced is that they have learned to be realistic about what a real man is really like. We are not always cleanly shaved and dressed up for a date. Sometimes we want to spend Saturday morning reading the paper over coffee in our underwear. My own advice for whoever wants to hear it . . . write your very own personal ad for yourself and describe everything that your really ideal life partner would be like. Then look at it all and try to rank the qualities in order of how important they are to you. For instance, I would like someone who will be kind and reassuring to me when I’m worried or upset. That’s more important than big boobs (not that there’s anything wrong with big boobs.) My 2 cents.

suzy January 20, 2012 at 9:36 AM

Hey Ed, thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. I especially appreciate your view of divorced women versus single women. I think, as you suggest, we all have our baggage, but you need to take the time to know someone before you can make a decision to move on or stay and learn more. What I have learned from coaching divorced women is the hardest part for many women is to really dig down deep to uncover the truth of who your ideal partner would be.That’s one of the main things I teach in my video coaching program. I love that you shared that you would like someone who will be kind and reassuring to you when you’re worried or upset. That is clearly not on a superficial level but coming from a very honest, know your self level.

You gave way more than your 2 cents here and I hope the women that read this blog will let you know how much they appreciate your wisdom. I know I do and again thanks for sharing :smile:

Suzy

Vana January 5, 2012 at 8:01 PM

I have to disagree with you regarding women who would get involved in a relationship with an abuser have low self esteem. I had very high self esteem when I got into a relationship with an abusive man. Abusive men are never abusive in the beginning. My problem was that my parents modeled a dysfunctional relationship and I didn’t know that a man wasn’t supposed to act the way he was acting. Like the other poster said, based on my parents’ relationship, I thought that he was getting upset b/c I was doing something wrong in the relationship. My focus was to be a “better” wife (i.e., arrange the dishwasher better, do the laundry better, etc…). I’m out of that relationship now – and when I left the relationship my self esteem was low (and I fixed that with counseling). The point is, when you say that women who get into those types of relationships have such low self-esteem – you are placing blame on the “victim” instead of the “abuser”. When you do this you are playing right into “his” hands and his “thought process”. The truth is that most women have high self-esteem when the meet an abuser, and through the abuse their self-esteem is lowered over time.

suzy January 7, 2012 at 1:22 PM

Hi Vana, thank you for sharing your insights and more importantly your real life experience. Your point is well taken in terms of it appears I’m placing blame on the victim. That is clearly not my intention but I can see how it would be interpreted as blaming the victim. There is a gray area between self esteem and why we may accept certain behaviors as the norm and try to fix ourselves to please the other person. As in your case, your parents modeled what a dysfunctional relationship was and that put you in the position of thinking you were the problem when in reality you were with an abusive man and you were clearly not the problem. When we get into the psychology of why some women end up in these abusive relationships it covers a lot of ground in terms of the ‘why’ There are a lot of reasons as to the question: Why do some women suffer abusive relationships?

I believe self esteem comes in many different flavors and it is often hard to recognize the truth of one’s own self esteem be it high, low or somewhere in the middle. But what I have found in coaching women who are in or who have been in an abusive relationship the common thread boils down to how a woman has been shown or in someway influenced to value herself. As woman most of us struggle with this issue on many different levels.

As you know it takes inner work and self discovery down to your bone marrow, to come out the other side to show up as your authentic, compassionate and loving true self. I want to applaud you for moving past the abuse and doing the work that you needed to do to get there.

Some of you reading this may want to check out Dating After Divorce, I’m Ready, Now What? This is where we work on getting clear about who you are and what you must do to find a loving and meaningful relationship.. We dig deep so that when yo do start dating again you will be clear about what relationship would be best suited to you and to attract that man that will value and respect you.

Thanks again for sharing,
Suzy Weiss

Anna November 18, 2011 at 9:37 AM

Our natural human instinct for trying to fix something or someone is an instinct which can get us into terribly negative relationships. If someone is beyond repair from the outset this can all too often lead to break up later on. Some individuals can just never be fixed. That is a difficult life lesson but an important one for getting it right the second time around.

Barney September 19, 2011 at 6:35 PM

Suzy,
Thanks for taking my comments seriously and taking the time to explain your point of view.
I get together with “the guys” fairly regularly. The comments I hear from these guys reflect a totally different perspective. Obviously I only know their point of view.
One recurring comment is that they’ve spent close to lifetime trying to make their ex’s happy, but to no avail. They are frustrated that they could never meet these expectations, whatever these were.
I am a divorced 65 year old who has been a jilter and a jiltee over these past 30 years. There were unusual circumstances which kept me from re-marrrying. That’s history.
My personal issue at this time is as follows:
I read your advise to women which was to not make themselves too available. To turn down some invitations. It seems that you encourage a little gamesmanship.
My daughter, a happily married social worker, advises me not to play these games with my new (2 months) girlfriend, a mature senior. My daughter advises me not to play games, basically lay my cards on the table.
My concern is that I’ve become too obsessed with this girlfriend. This is unusual for me.
I’m normally a very cautious person. This only happened to me
I know this infatuation phase will pass however at this point
I feel very vulnerable. I’m afraid that I’m overdoing the compliments and the attention.
You seem to advise that I cool it, slow down and control my emotions.
Is this right?

Barney September 18, 2011 at 11:54 PM

I suggest that you get a male “partner” to also give his insight on these comments.

You are too hard on some of these males’ comments.
There are some bitter men out there who have been damaged by past relatiobships.
Are they beyond rehabilitation by a good woman?
Probably some are, but you write them all off.
The truth is that some of the females are also far from perfect.
Does that mean that 2 imperfect individuals cannot hope for a decent relationship.
I don’t think so..I think that it’s about meeting the other’s minimum requirements, hopefully surpassing these, and eventually growing together.

So in short, I advise that you get a male perspective and lighten up.

suzy September 19, 2011 at 3:36 PM

Barney, thank you for taking the time to comment on this post. I agree with you on getting a male perspective and insights. What is interesting is it was my husband who brought my attention to this guy on craigslist and it was my husband who was outraged by this jerks attitude. Here’s the reality, I get a lot of emails from women every week who have met similar men, who really just want sex and were not interest in a relationship. But these women believe that they can rehabilitate these men and get them to commit. By the time they write me they are in a lot of pain and very confused. Finally at the end of the day it’s the guy who says adios to them if they keep hanging around. It’s true no one’s perfect we all show up with our baggage, but at the very least there has to be a high degree of respect and honesty for a relationship to even begin to move forward. Sadly some women after a divorce are more vulnerable to fall victim to a man the is a womanizer. I respect you insight Barney,but I won’t lighten up when it comes to these type of men.

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