Dating Advice For Women After Divorce

by suzy

dating advice for women after divorce pic Dating Advice For Women After Divorce NOW is The TIME To Get Serious

I got his email from Sara last week.She finds herself in a common situation seeking dating advice for women after divorce.Because this is a story that so many women will relate to in one way or another I wanted to share this with all of you.

Dear Suzy,

I had been married for 11 years when my husband, Jack, told me that he was no longer happy in our relationship and wanted a divorce.In that moment I felt shocked and blind sided.

I felt frantic to fix the problem in our marriage.I was unclear about the problem at the time, but whatever it was I wanted to fix it.Perhaps marriage counseling could make everything all better I thought.

Or if I could become a more perfect wife I could make Jack happy.Those are just a few of the thoughts that raced through my mind.

My husband was of a completely different mind set.He said he had been thinking about this for a long time and he was clear he wanted a divorce, no more discussion.

Looking back I can see how for several years in my marriage I had put my head in the sand like an ostrich.

dating advice for women after divorce pictures Dating Advice For Women After Divorce It’s Time To Get Your Head Out Of The Sand

 

I did not want to face the reality of the problems in our relationship. It is amazing how I deceived myself for so long.

In the last 4 years of our marriage I had suspected that Jack had been cheating on me. I just could not face it straight on.

I ignored my feelings and convinced myself everything that I was probably my imagination.

I refused to face the reality that we had become two strangers living in the same house in the last 2 years of our marriage.

Jack moved out, 8 months ago and filed for divorce.

I was terrified of being alone.How could I manage on my own I would ask myself?

Would I have enough money to live on?

Where will I live?

What about the house who keeps it or do we sell it?

What about all our stuff in the house who gets what?

These and many more questions tormented me day and night.

The process of getting the divorce settled and the papers completed seemed to take on a life of its own.I felt overwhelmed and exhausted from worry during the whole process.

As strange as this may sound, I would have this ridiculous notion that maybe the marriage could still be saved.

That we really could live happily ever after just like in a fairytale. As you can see, I have struggled with letting go and accepting the reality of my circumstances.

My divorce was finalized one month ago.

So here I am.I can no longer call myself a wife and I cringe to have to say I’m a divorced woman.

I feel scared that I will spend the rest of my life alone.I blame myself for being in this situation and wonder why I did not do a better job to save my marriage.

I have so much regret and can not see how to move on with my life.

My friends and my family tell me I need to start dating and that will make me feel better.

dating advice for women after divorce picture1 Dating Advice For Women After Divorce It’s Time To Heal And Move On

But I feel so disoriented and unsure of myself that the idea of dating is over the top for me.

On the other hand I do want to be part of a couple again.

The loneliness I’m feeling is so painful that maybe dating right now is the answer for me.

My question to you is, are my family and friends right, should I take their advice and try to start dating?

Or should I do something else to move forward?

Please help

Sara , Confused in Portland

Dear Confused Sara,

Wow, you have really been through an emotional roller coaster.But hang in there I promise you will heal over time and you will be whole again.

I want to tell you that you should not underestimate the pain and challenge of going through a divorce.I know for myself (I did it twice) it took a much bigger toll on me than I was willing to admit.

So in answer to your question, now is not the time to start dating.

No doubt your family and friends care about you and want to see you happy.Be grateful that you have a support system of caring people and let them know how much you appreciate them.But for right now dating is not your answer.

Time is the keyword in this situation.You must take the time you need to be ready to begin the next journey of your life.

Do not allow yourself to dwell on the negative and past regrets.Time does heal but you have to participate in the healing.It is now that you’ll begin to write the next chapter of your life.

Start today and make a list of all the qualities you respect in yourself.Ask friends and family what they respect about you and add that to your list.

Look at this list every day, read it aloud until you believe and know this is who you are.

You may feel inclined to say I can’t do this I don’t feel ok about myself.Or, if I do this I will feel like it is all lies and what good would that do?

I promise you if you don’t do this you will stay stuck where you are for a very long time if not forever.Move past your resistance to this exercise and you will be amazed at the positive results you will experience.

Also, during this transition period let yourself think about the values that you want in your next relationship. Do not compromise or question those qualities you know are most important to you.

Get real clear in your mind the men you want to date.

As an example, would you consider a long distance relationship or would you require the person to live in you area so you can get to know that person in a face to face setting.

dating advice for women after divorce foto1 300x199 Dating Advice For Women After Divorce Values & Compatibility Are ‘Relationship Success Factors’

I believe that it is difficult to really get to know a guy if it is a long distance relationship.There are just too many challenges.

Is it important to you to be with a man that is good communicator and willing to be self reflective?

Is religion important to you?

What about coming from the same culture?

How important is age to you?

Do you want a guy with a great sense of humor?

Get the picture?

These are just a few examples of what might be important to you when considering your next partner.

Get clear on all the details right now.

dating advice for women after divorce pics Dating Advice For Women After Divorce Before You Start To Date Get Crystal Clear

If you do this before dating I guarantee that you will save yourself a lot of frustration disappointment and grief and wasted time.

Here’s the best advice I can give you.Don’t put yourself in the position to make a mistake the second time around.

I speak from experience and now I know the 2nd divorce will not happen if you get your head on right and never compromise on your core values before getting involved in another long term relationship.

You don’t need to ever settle and let me tell you why.

Counter to what you have probably heard from others or read about on line, there are plenty of good fish out there, and the fishing is plentiful, you just gotta know where to fish.

When you are ready we will give you the maps to the best fishing holes and the best bait for catching your prized guy.

Sometimes the simplest dating advice for women after divorce is the best.

Take care,

Suzy Weiss

Have a dating after divorce question? Drop me a line with your comments and questions.

P.S. Are You Tired Of the Lousy Dates You’re Getting Online?
Getting emails from guys you don’t care for and sending emails to men you think might be a match, but not getting many replies, then watch this Video!

Be Sociable, Share!
  • vuible Dating Advice For Women After Divorce
  • more Dating Advice For Women After Divorce

If you enjoyed this article, get email updates (it's free).

Email Address:

Comments Closed

{ 6 comments }

Erika February 20, 2012 at 11:07 AM

Thank you so much for this. I have been divorced for 3 months. You simply made me understand it is not so bad, because before reading your article I was a mess.

suzy February 20, 2012 at 11:50 AM

Hey Erika, thanks for your comment, I really appreciate it. So glad to hear that this information has helped you understand some things.

Alexa February 16, 2012 at 9:29 AM

I am impressed by the advice you gave to Sara. I too agree that it’s not the right time for her to start dating. I know that I started dating before I was ready and paid a price for that. I did stop dating and spent the time that I needed to take care of me and I’m just now feeling like I’m ready to start dating again.

suzy February 16, 2012 at 2:14 PM

Thanks for sharing your experience Alexa. It pays to take whatever time you need after a divorce to heal and discover who you are in this new role. It takes time to adjust and gain back your confidence before jumping into the dating scene.

stephanie December 28, 2011 at 5:56 PM

Hi Suzy
I am a 28 year old female and just recently divorced. I am dating again and this time I feel this guy is wonderful and we have our core values in common as well as many other things. The biggest problem is he comes from a very conservative and strict upbrining which conflicts with how we both view the word committment. For me I believe that if things are looking good and the relationship is strong then the possibility of moving in together should not be ignored. For him he feels total opposite and that it is not a tradition at all and that the only difference between living together and not is paying bills together and sharing an adress. He mentions that is doesn’t change how he feels about me and it doesn’t change how much he cares. How come I can’t understand why this should be good enough to show committment? Am I in the wrong with my desire to move in together in the near future? Also I want to know if this is a type of personality in a guy that shows I am wasting my time. I like to know if my relationships are gonna end up being worth my time and frankly if he tells me he never will move in with me shouldn’t that be looked at as a red flag? Besides this being his tradition and belief he also has some former childhood trust issues which might be a big factor but I don’t really know. I just want to see if it is me or if this would be that case with any relationship. Also I mentioned to him that I don’t want to get married again and that I only want a life partner so if he never will move in with me and he knows I wont get married is our relationship worth being in? should I just enjoy it while it lasts and then knowing that it has an end? He is also confusing cause he tells me he wants to travel with me in the future but he knows i have long term plans that could possibly keep me stationary for many years so to me things don’t really add up. I just want to understand his intentions and get advice on how to continue this relationship and be ok with it not being a long term thing.

suzy January 17, 2012 at 12:01 PM

Hi Stephanie,
Sorry, but I have to disagree with you. You actually don’t have your core values in common. As you reveal in your comment you have very different views on commitment, marriage and moving in together So what are the core values that you speak of? Here you are at 28 and already divorced. Don’t you think it would be a good idea to take time to get to know you and what your core needs are before getting into another relationship? The ‘me’ before ‘we’ idea. This is a perfect time for you to do some serious self discovery. If you get that figured out at this age, you should not have to worry about getting involved with the wrong guy again. I’d say keep this relationship in the ‘casual zone’ :cool: and spend your free time hanging out with yourself and your girlfriends. In other words, take a ‘man break’.

BTW, you never mentioned why you’re divorced. If you care to share that part of your life it may give us some insight on how I can help you move forward in your life in terms of relationships.

Thanks for your question, hope to hear back from you,
Suzy

Previous post:

Next post: