Dating A Married Man: Think You Would Never Knowingly Do It?

by suzy

Tired Of Waiting For The Married Man You’re Dating?

dating a married man the other woman2221 Dating A Married Man: Think You Would Never Knowingly Do It? Tired Of Being Just The Other Woman?

Think again.

“Why would any intelligent mature divorced woman be dating a married man?” Julia asked.

She was talking about her best friend.  She was shocked that her smart, beautiful, and successful friend had allowed herself to be taken in by this guy.

Julia was my client.

I was coaching her on dating after her divorce and finding Mr. Right.

It was during one of our sessions that Julia shared with me how upset she was over her friend spending time and energy having an affair with this married man.

Do Not Judge These Women That Are Dating Married Men Too Harshly

I told Julia do not judge your friend so harshly.

I told her not be so bold in her declaration of saying she would never, ever date a married man.

She looked at me like I just lost my mind and said, are you telling me you are in favor of a woman dating a married man?

“How could you condone such a no win situation”, Julia asked.

“Of course I’m not in favor of a woman having an affair with a married man.”

“No one wins in an affair.”

“And at the end when it usually all falls apart, it can feel just as emotional upsetting as going through a really ugly divorce”, I told her.

dating a married man a lie Dating A Married Man: Think You Would Never Knowingly Do It? It Starts With A Lie To His Wife

Does A Relationship That Starts Out With A Lie, Have A Chance?

Even if the guy leaves his wife to be with the woman he’s been having the affair with, the relationship starts out on the wrong foot.

In other words, a lie was what brought these two people together and infidelity is likely strike again and end their relationship.

If a man or a woman has cheated once it is very likely they will cheat again.

No one could ever make a case that being unfaithful and lying about it is a virtue.

Why Do Women Date And Have Affairs With Married Men?

Basically, I told Julia all that we can do is explore why your friend or any other women including you Julia would knowingly date a married man.

Now sometimes, affairs start out as a friendship.

Just because a guy is married doesn’t eliminate him from having friends does it?

So in the beginning this friendship between the married man and the woman looks just like any normal friendship between two people.

Or does it?

The reality is as a woman, getting into a friendship with a married man, is an ‘train wreak’ waiting to happen.

This is a very common way that affairs innocently begin and stay fueled.

For some divorced women dating a married man it feels safe and predictable.

It is safe and protected from the typical complications resulting from dating a mature eligible guy.

As things progress in a monogamous relationship with an available man, the divorced woman is often faced with how and when to take the relationship to the next level.

If the relationship continues to grow it will come to a point of making a decision about living together now, or wait to get married.

Not an easy decision for a divorced woman past forty.

Why?

dating a married man mistake1 300x226 Dating A Married Man: Think You Would Never Knowingly Do It? You Don’t Want To Make Another Mistake

You Do Not Want To Make Another Mistake With The Wrong Man

Because, a divorced woman over 40 does not want to make another mistake by hooking up with the wrong guy.

But when a divorced woman is dating a married man that decision will never be an issue.

Not as long as he is married and living with his wife.

So it is easy to see that in a twisted way the married man feels like comfortable territory for a divorced woman to play it safe.

Another example is the divorced woman that has had her fill of dating guys that play the field and will never commit to one relationship.

Solve that problem by dating a married man.

It’s Easy: He’s All Yours When He’s Not With His Wife

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He does not have the time, the energy and the finances to play the field while cheating on his wife.  (That is unless he’s Tiger Woods).

So now you have a guy totally committed to you when is not with his wife.

And since he is having martial problems, at least that is what he tells you, his wife is not your competition.

He doesn’t want to be with her and as soon as he gets his ducks lined he will leave her and be with you.

And if you believe that…..

And let’s not forget the thrill of the moment when dating a married man.

Picture yourself in this situation, this is what I call the adrenalin rush of romance and a taste of the ‘forbidden fruit’.

There is the intrigue and thrill of meeting in out of the way places to spend the limited time together before he needs to leave.

That in itself is a rush.

The thermostat is turned way up on the romance scale and that creates the adrenalin rush.

The rendezvous always end with the emotional pain of parting.

dating a married man .waiting for him to return1 300x152 Dating A Married Man: Think You Would Never Knowingly Do It? You Wait Patiently. Hoping.

You Buy ‘His Story’ And Start Patiently Waiting For Him

So just like in the romance novels your lover says, “We must stay strong for each other until we can meet again”.

And this is when your married guy say’s he has never met anyone like you before and you make him feel like no other woman has made him feel before.

He tells you all his woes about his awful marriage and you console him.

He tells you much he adores his children and does not want to hurt them which is why he must stay just a bit longer in this terrible marriage and your heart breaks for him.

You Can’t Get Him Out Of ‘Your Mind’

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And now you’re addicted to this guy.

You are addicted to the drama and trauma, and to the rush you feel every time you are able to have another rendezvous.

You won’t be able to wash this guy out of your hair or your system.

You will need to go to rehab but you’ll say NO, NO, NO just like Amy Winehouse song.

So the question is not why would intelligent, beautiful, successful divorced woman date married men rather, what would make a woman vulnerable and willingly to date a married man?

The answer is simple.

dating a married man secondplace1 Dating A Married Man: Think You Would Never Knowingly Do It? You Grow Tired Of Being Second Place

You Start To Get Frustrated And Are Tired Of Waiting For Him

When a divorced woman does not get crystal clear on what she wants in her next relationship and how she is going to find her Mr. Right she is vulnerable.

She is lonely, frustrated and hungry for attention and Mr. Married shows up to fix her emotional void.

At least for the short term.

Is there a price to pay for this fix?

Absolutely.

A big price that makes your divorce experience feel like you hit the easy button.
why he disappeared book Dating A Married Man: Think You Would Never Knowingly Do It?
Take charge of your own destiny by doing the work and spending the time to become crystal clear about finding the one.

That will keep you dating great eligible guys until ‘The One’ stands heads above all the others.

At this point, many single women that are with married men start to seek solutions to their current dilemma.

“Should I stay with him?”

“Can I get him to leave his wife?”

“I have such emotional pain, how can I deal with it?”

You search for advice on dating a married man and having a positive out come.

The sad truth is that in most cases you move on or he moves on and therefor ending the relationship that would go no further.

dating a married man lying Dating A Married Man: Think You Would Never Knowingly Do It? He Says, ‘I Love You’, But Nothing Changes

Move On With ‘Prosperity Dating’

I call it Prosperity Dating, you believe that you deserve the whole man, not half and YOU shouldn’t have to share him with another woman.

Prosperity Dating, also means that you believe that there an abundance of quality marriage minded men.

Prosperity dating puts into play a successful, flourishing and thriving condition to find Mr. Right once and for all.

Tell me what you think.

Are you or someone you know ‘stuck in neutral’ because you are involved with a man that is married?

Drop me a comment below.

Hugs,

Suzy Weiss

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P.S. At this point, you have two options:

1. Stay the course and hope that things will change and get better.

Dr. Phil likes to say, “Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.” And I agree. If he has not taken specific concrete steps to make YOU the ONLY intimate female relationship in his life, it probably is not going to happen.

2. You can make a proactive change in your life.

If you want to make a positive change, take a look at “Men Made Easy” and “Dating After Divorce

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{ 68 comments }

Country gal January 9, 2013 at 12:05 AM

I hv to say my story is very similar. I engaged in an affair 7 yrs ago. I divorced 1year later for many more reasons than finding a man I truly connected with. However. To this day, he is still married. Although they are separated and appear to be living separate lives, they re still very much connected. He has a lot of respect for her as she was a good wife n it was him that left. But to this day, I hv met only a few friends n his sister. But family get togethers are only on my part. His grown children n mother I hv never met. We live 3 hours apart n he controls all of our get togethers. ( putting this down sounds really pathetic on my part). I believe he loves me but ……… Ok. I’m stupid. No more to say

admin December 8, 2012 at 7:48 AM

Hi Tracie, yes for sure you have been through a lot in the last few years. So sorry for the loss of your son, a divorce and all that brings to one’s life. So my question to you is why do you want to put yourself through the horrid outcome of dating a married man? It sounds like you are an intelligent woman with a career that you enjoy. So what part of your belief system is telling you that you don’t deserve to be with a trustworthy man? Use your common sense…even if this cheater does leave his wife (which he most likely won’t) and you get together with him the result will be he’ll cheat on you. Don’t believe me? Well just wait and see and then let me know if you believe me after going through the awful experience. For sure you are acting like a dummy and setting yourself up for some bad times in the not too distant future. Don’t you believe you deserve better than this?

EvaMarie Poor May 19, 2012 at 5:56 PM

Well I dont know where to begin but let me see. Im 39 years old and a Paramedic in Florida. I think Im attractive and no Im not conceited, lol. I am 5′ 6″ and about 145 pounds. I have 4 beautiful children that mean the world to me and this is part why I am on here.
I met this man three years ago in July. We met thru our place of employment
(ambulance service) . I had not really notice him until a guy friend of mine had called me up. He said “Hey did you notice the X-COP (capitalized for a reason) working here”. I sain “no”. Then one day my partner and I were on a call and we called for back up for life assistance. Well here comes this new attractive man, my age, waliking up all arrogant. He was very arrogant but i was intrigued as well. Anyhow, one night at work I was putting my equipment up and he was sitting with a friend of mine in dispatch he had known for years. He walked out and she whispered to me that he thought i was an egyptian queen. ok yes it was a sly remark but i was intrgued still. She said he is still married but going through a divorce. she told me that he had given up his police career for his wife and kids but now his wife has left him. Well he asked for my number and I gave it to him. So we started talking and I look back now and think about what an idiot I was. Anyhow, he told me his wife of 9 years had just up and left. well 9 years at that time, longer now their still together. So we started spending time together every second of every day. We were inseperable most days. When I met him I was just newly diagnosed with seizures and so he went thru a little of it with me in the beginning. There were so many signs that things were just not adding up. He would say “you can let your guard down” ” I will not ever hurt you” “I will always be by your side”. So I believed him and the sex was unreal!!! I started slowly letting him around my kids but not alot around the youngest two but a little. My daughter, 20, who was 17 then hated him. At one point she even made it a point to call him an asshole. Well anyhow, I had not scene his house, met his kids, nothing. Now we have been together 9 or 10 months at that time. So I did my own investigation and things got ugly. We ended up landed a rescue job together in Baker County which let me add was his plan to keep me under his thumb. A married X cop do not make a good combination, let me tell you. Anyhow we were working together. On my days off, I had my kids, dance practice for my girls and myself and so on. yes I was a dancer. Dance Studio just closed down last fall. He loved to watch me dance and god forbid if I had any of my good guy friends up there. Let me tell you he is the most lieing, manipulative, emotionally abusive man you will ever meet but he has that other side that will draw you in. Anyhow back to my story. While I was on Rescue one night I went thru his shit and found his wifes drivers license. until that point, i did not know her name. I got on Facebook and found her. I made up a fake face book and I emailed her. At first she was in disbelief, until I sent her text messages and dinner pictures. Oh boy did shit hit the fan. However, he would not leave me alone for nothing even with his marriage falling apart. We worked on rescue in which we both lost in the end. In 2010, i was at my apartment and we had split up and he was on rescue that night. Yes this was after I found out about his wife. He had fed me the whole “she is crazy” and so on. Anyhow He was at work and I wouldnt answer my phone cause I was done. He lied to his supervisor and said his kids were locked out of his house and he showed up at mine. Well that night he lost his rescue job. About 6 months later…Thanksgiving of 2010, he came out there while I was working and climbed thru a window with my help so we could talk…I resigned that night. My life had gone totally upside down. Things were up down for some time after that. I would meet someone and move on but end up right back in his arms. We had physical and emotional fights and so on. I could go on and on and on. We even lived together for 17 days but then I kicked him out when I found out he was chasing after the wife he never divorced. He even proposed to me and lied about filing for divorce. Its been almost three years and I have moved on but not totally. I can not sit her and lie. I work two jobs as a Paramedic and I am a single mom. Its been hard for me. I recently met a good guy who ended up putting me on his phone plan and I had decided to change my number. Well when the married man got word, he was blowing my email. I gave in and was emailing him. Then the guilt starts “we have always been there for eachother” “why cant I have your new number” well like a dumb ass, I gave it to him. I asked him to be calm with everything. I said you are still with your wife and I have a boyfriend now. He was hurt but understood. Well I fell back into his arms one day and we didnt even spend the night together. It was great but not great at all. I know I know. We were suppose to get a hotel tonight and I told I was trully walking away even if I need counceling. Oh he got so mean with the things he said. Its been a bad couple of days. He is relentless. It would almost be easier if he didnt want me but he wont take no for an answer. When we worked together, he even help pictures over my head. He has that cop mentality!!!!! PLEASE HELP…I DO NOT WANT TO FALL BACK IN THIS TRAP AND DON TWO AND HALF MORE YEARS!!! I want to move on no matter how much I love him. He tells me over and over how much he loves me and I told him bullshit. He texted me tonight and says ” I dont know why I stayed married” “I guess im stupid” He has been around his wife since they were 14. they have one child together and she raised his other three. I just want to feel better about ME, screw him. Any ADVISE…………………………………….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

suzy May 20, 2012 at 5:24 AM

Wow, what a nightmare. Obviously this is a very toxic relationship and you’re just as much a part of the problem as he is. What I can promise you is even if he got a divorce, you and he would never make it and probably one of you would end up dead which may happen anyway if you continue to see him. You need to get yourself to a good therapist ASAP that can help you with your addiction to this guy. He is like a drug for you and you need to go through rehab.You should not consider being in any relationship until you get some serious help to understand who you are and why you do what you do. This is not about him, it is about you and you need professional help. It may be that you will need to move out of your area where he can’t find you or have a restraining order against him. But that is something you need talk about in therapy. You won’t be able to do this on you own, you must get the help and support from a professional. I hope you take what I’m saying seriously because you are headed down a very slippery and dangerous road if you don’t get help ASAP.

EvaMarie Poor May 20, 2012 at 6:50 AM

Thamk you for your reply. I cant agree more. I know I need help!! Its been an emotional roller coaster for me. I know I love him. There is no doubt but he is no good for. I have been told by friends in the past that he is another Ted Bundy in the making. He is attractive, smart and educated but he has that evil side to him!! However, I by all means am not saying that I have not contributed in letting this get out of controll. Its been a sex relationship with lots of emotion. That is why he doesnt want to let go!!! I will be looking into getting help…..

suzy May 20, 2012 at 7:13 AM

I’m so glad to hear that you are willing to get help. I just want to say that you’re confusing love with being addicted to a toxic relationship. This is not true love. You’re not in love with him, your addicted to him. Big difference. What will help you is to learn why you’re attracted to a toxic relationship. I don’t know why you got divorced, but there may be a clue for you from that relationship. The bottom line is… this is about you not about him. That is why it is crucial that you get help so you do not find yourself in another toxic relationship down the road with someone else.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck. You’re a strong woman and you can move beyond this situation.

Take care,
Suzy

EvaMarie Poor May 20, 2012 at 8:30 AM

Its been helpful hearing your advise and your right. I had a wonderful marriage. Married 11 years. My career as a Paramedic put a strain on my marriage. I think I tried to find myself once again thru this married man and I lost myself instead. I have so much to figure out. Im looking into finishing my nursing and then maybe my PA. I want to let go of all this and be that spunky go getter ive always been……

Lungz March 24, 2012 at 7:16 AM

Hi Suzy

I am a woman age 29 , Its been a year since I lost my husband due to a car accident . I have resigned from my current job because I felt it was bringing so much pain and I was not able to move on as I meet my husband while working there and I have started working on my new job I meet this Man he is 43 and married . I’ve fallen for him in a way that I can stay a day without seeing him and he also makes sure that he comes and visits me daily. @times I feel that he is doing this because he feels sorry for me for the emotional journey I’ve been to, I know he won’t live his wife for me because am not expecting him to do so but he treats me well or is it because am just trying to close the wound of being alone after the death of my husband it does not feel wrong at all.

Am just enjoying what am doing because its a way for me to get used to the fact that somebody else can love me differently not like my husband did, so my question would be should I leave him now while am not to attached to him or should I just stay for the sake of feeling good and closing the voide of loosing my husband.

Confused widow

suzy March 24, 2012 at 12:17 PM

So sorry you have had to go through losing your husband at such a young age. And I know the pain must be extremely difficult to handle at times. Because of this pain you are very vulnerable and quite honestly this married man is taking advantage of your situation. At 43 and having a young woman of 29 attracted to him really feeds his ego. But for you this is a very bad situation. You don’t need to be hurt anymore at this time. This is not healthy for you and will keep you from moving on in your life. You need to end it right now. You need to protect yourself. Plus you need to realize the pain you will cause his wife should she find out. You don’t want to d that, it will haunt you down the road.

My heart goes out to you, but time will heal and you are young and you will find true love again, but now with a married man.

Take care,
Suzy

Question March 9, 2012 at 7:05 PM

The hard truth is that women who exhibit these behaviors have little to no self-esteem, they are desperate and they are also selfish. Why else would they tear themselves, and the married person’s children and wife apart, and all the while feel sorry for themselves for getting what they asked for? And they’re so annoying when they complain about the married man’s wife, in order to excuse the affair. Grow a brain and some decency, self-respect and compassion for children, and other women, to all of you cheaters out there. You are desperate, selfish and easy. Face the facts. No sugar coating. You tear homes apart becuase you don’t have a happy one, so why should anyone else…SELF CENTERED and SELF serving, is what you are.

suzy March 10, 2012 at 12:23 PM

I can’t disagree with anything you have said. I appreciate you being the voice for the all the women and children that have been torn apart from by the act of dating a married man. Of course it takes ’2 to Tango’ so we can’t leave the married man who cheats on his wife out of the equation. It is clearly a no win-lose-lose situation for all concerned.

Adeline February 27, 2012 at 2:54 PM

I have been in a two month ish relationship with a married man. He has 3 kids and is married. We live in Hawaii, and he lives about 30 minutes away from me. I am an older University student at 35, and he is 52. Our chemistry is amazing, and I came out of (at the time) a personal vow of purity which had been in full swing at 8 months. I do honestly believe he is one of my soul mates, and if my realist, practical mind did not assure me there is more than one person for me, I would say he is the one.
My critical mind is telling me I will put a 6 month limit to where the line falls.
I have dated married men before, in my 20′s and found it a foolhardy endeavor…lol. My goodness, maybe I didn’t learn.
But the fact if the matter is, I am willing to take a chance on someone I think is wonderful, poignant, and without a shadow of a doubt, for me.
I also realize that our relationship is based on a lie. And I am not stupid, and realize that I may perfectly well am being used or may just be a band-aid or a nice escape for him…

sigh, the fact of the matter is I am willing to risk myself for a chance at happiness.

I’ve risked myself before, to much less worthy would-be suitors, and fell apart in the aftermath of them.

I am no longer in that phase of my self-development. I now know that no one has reign over my well being but I and I am strong enough to weather a storm should it come blow my palace down. I have me. Always. Lovely and strong and wonderful… My greatest asset. :)

Thank You for the perspective on this column. There are a few typos that should be fixed, just fyi.

love and hugs :)

Adeline

suzy February 27, 2012 at 5:01 PM

Hey, Adeline, thanks for stopping by and sharing your story. You did not ask for any advice so I won’t offer any. Besides, it sounds like you already know the pitfalls and insanity of doing what your doing. However, I do have a question for you. Why do you think you are attracted to a married man? I would suggest there is something that is unconscious that attracts you to married men. It might be worth some self discovery on your part. However, you probably need to wait until your not lost in the emotions of ‘new love’, because it will be impossible for you to see things for what they are.

Anyway, just food for thought :wink:

Hugs,
Suzy

Adeline February 27, 2012 at 5:29 PM

Heya Suzy :)

I did my crazy experimenting in my 20s and had decided to go the more traditional route of monogamy. Your point is an interesting thought, though I am not attracted to married men. lol. In fact I ward away from them. I am definitely and Alpha type female, and not into sharing anything.

This sounds so stereotypically naive, but I am hoping he is worth taking this emotional risk for.

Its so funny that things are so obvious once you are outside the situation…but is life. :)

Always learning and growing :)

Thanks again.

Addy

suzy February 28, 2012 at 7:51 AM

Back atha Addy, I can’t let you off the hook on the one. You say that you are “definitely an Alpha type female, and not into sharing anything”. Hey sweetie, I’m sorry to have to point out to you that you are sharing big time! You are sharing ‘one man’ with another woman. And this woman is clearly the ‘Alpha Female’ because she is his legal wife. In this scenario, your just the ‘mistress’, not even close to being the Alpha female. Let’s take this one step further. Let’s pretend that he leaves his wife. Now you will be sharing this man with his 3 kids (someday grandchildren) and his ex wife. You can’t forget that he will always be connected to his ex wife because of the kids. Oh yea, you’ll also be sharing finances, child support, alimony etc.

Maybe you want to rethink what you’re doing. No just from a selfish point of view, but from the point of view of potentially hurting 4 innocent people, his wife and his 3 kids. At 52, this guy is going through a mid life crises and you happened to show up. While he’s thinking with his penis, your dreaming of ‘happily ever after’. I want to support you to start thinking like a real Alpha Female and move on in your life before this dream turns into a nightmare.

Take care,
Suzy

RockabillyGirl@Yourkeywords February 23, 2012 at 7:16 PM

I met a man online while I was married to a Husband that was unavailable to me, both emotionally and physically. He’s married, but he filled the void that I had from the onset of my marriage. I’ve known him almost 5 years, but have been patiently waiting for him to follow through with his proposal of marriage that came after we got to know each other and entered into an affair.
I do go to his house and spend time with his ‘family’. His wife and kids think I’m just his business partner. My kids think the same. What started out as the ‘Daily Grind’, has turned into the best relationship I’ve known. We have disagreements, but work them out without anger. That’s only one thing that makes me different from his wife.
Early on, he and I agreed that we would take things slow. Now that I’m moving into my own place in a few weeks after being displaced by a foreclosure and being forced to live with my parents, he’s consulted with a divorce attorney. I don’t want to rush into marriage, but I’d like to date without Great profile. I’d like to date him without looking over my shoulder.
He’s been by my side through some of the worst times in my life. Another man would have walked away long ago. My X and I eventually divorced because of abuse. I found out about the marriage-long infidelity a month after our divorce was final. How can a marriage that started out as an affair survive?
Am I wrong to want to continue taking things slow? Marriage would be great, but I believe that dating will be different once he’s divorced. He fears that I won’t stay committed and he will be alone. I’d rather be alone and happy, than to be miserable with someone.
His wife is quite a mess. After starting marriage counseling, the counsellor requested to see her weekly and both of them less frequently. Should I believe him when he tells me that he wants to be sure she’s stable, for the sake of the kids, before he divorces her.

suzy February 24, 2012 at 8:09 AM

The reality is that the odds are not in your favor. You and he need to own the fact that you are both guilty of deceiving both his wife and children, as well as your family. Jumping into marriage if he actually does gets divorced, will most likely end up with you and he divorcing. A relationship that starts out with deceiving and lying to others, seldom survives. If you want my advice… it’s to move on with your life and not wait around for the suffering and heartbreak that will result from continuing this relationship. I have a feeling that deep down you probably know this, don’t you?

Colo Lady December 23, 2011 at 8:40 PM

I am widowed mother of two grown children and after 14 years of being single, I started dating a married man. We were working together and over time we started to grow very attached and very fond of each.

He had told me up front that his marriage was over years ago and he was staying in the relationship for his girls, and that when his girls are grown he would be leaving his wife.

As our friendship progressed we started to share more of our feelings and our feelings towards each other. A year ago he asked me to marry him. I told him I could not marry him until he got a divorce. He said he would, and he asked for a years time so he could work things out. I agreed.

In the beginning we were seeing each other quite regularly until we hit about the 6 month mark, and then it was like a switch went off. Our time after work was being quickly reduce by to 1-2 times a week. I did understand part of this because he does have responsibilities to his children and he had spent a great deal of time with me, but I was growing concerned and started to monitor how this may play itself out.

We went away together for a week in June but at the end of that time things immediately started to detach even further. Around the 1st of July he stopped sharing important information with me concerning his business and his divorce. When he disclosed to me in August that he was sharing things about his life with his sister, I confronted him about it. I told him that I felt he should be sharing those things with me considering he had asked me to marry him. He justified his discussions with his sister and told me that he and his sister were very close, and that he could share and trust her judgement. (I began to question myself about what kind of relationship do I mean to him besides a romp in the sack?)

The 1st of September his mother’s cancer returned and her last round of chemo left her near death. Again I understood that his responsibilities towards his family and daughters were very important, but when I asked about the two of us being able to spend time together, he admitted that he had too much on his plate, and that I was now the last of his priorities.

Out of frustration and loneliness I finally broke things off with him about a month ago and started looking for a new job. I was hired almost immediately, but because of the time overlap between positions, I was unable to make the clean break I needed.

Still being very fond of each other, our affection started to grow all over again. After a couple of weeks he started requesting that I be by his side for a couple of events that were important to him. In return, when I asked him to spend time with me. His answer was, sorry, he couldn’t make that happen right now. When I asked when, he gave no promises.

Needless to say, outside the hours we were working together, our time has again been reduced to nothing except for the times he requested that I come and be with him.
When I ask him to spend time with me, the time frames I shared were not convenient for him.
When I was feeling sick last weekend, he sends me an email sharing how special his time with his daughters is, and how he just can’t tear himself away.

I just cannot take his inability to be with me any longer. I ended the relationship again and I am promising myself everyday to never turn back. I feel like I have been duped and made a fool of by his broken promises.

It has been a year since he asked me to marry him and regrettably and I have spent the last 6 months of my life being put on the back burner by a man who I now understand is in denial, and out of guilt, will never leave his daughters nor admit that he is no longer in love with me.

In observing his decisions over the past year, I have learned that I gave too much of my life away while waiting for him to get things sorted out. I have also learned that I should have never entered into the relationship until his divorce was final. I have also learned that I should have thought more of myself and ended our relationship at least 6 months ago.

In closing I have learned that married men are married. Even if there is no longer love between him and his wife, his children and his family will always come first.

suzy December 24, 2011 at 2:08 PM

Thank you for sharing your story and the lessons you have learned from this experience. Here is a question that I have for you and others. What made you willing in the first place to share a man with another woman who has precedence over you since she is his wife? I think that whatever the answer is could help other woman think about why they are getting involved with a married man.

Now I do have some advice for you to help you move on in your life. This is a great time for self discovery about what is holding you back from finding an ideal available mate. It starts with getting really clear about who you are today and what type of man would be best suited for you. In order to find this out you need to g through a specifically designed process that takes you step by step, day by day to getting a whole new prospective of who is right for you. Next step is to get educated about where to find men like this and how to know for sure once you meet him if he’s the one. If you really want to spend the rest of your life with you ideal partner than you have to take the pro-active steps to make that happen. Finding the right partner does not just happen on it’s own, even though we are conditioned to think that Mr. Right magically shows up on a white horse and off we go to live happily ever after. Learn how to get started here.

Finding an ideal mate is no different than finding the right occupation or job, You need to know where you will be most successful and what type of company culture will serve you best. For some people start ups is where they shine for others larger corporations is where they thrive and for some folks do best as entrepreneurs. I’m not trying to take the romance out of finding your mate, but rather putting in the right formula in place to assure your long term relationship will be successful.

You other option is to give up on love at this point in your life which would be sad, or do nothing and risk meeting Mr. Wrong. I suggest you take the actions that will move you toward a new and fulfilling life.

Colo Lady December 25, 2011 at 12:06 PM

Why would I date a married man?

I come from a childhood home of emotional abuse and neglect. Because alcohol was involved that makes me an Adult Child of Alcoholics.

The main thing I did not get or learn as a child is how to love and respect myself and others with healthy and honoring boundaries.

Today I am working to recover from my addiction of co-dependency. Part of co-dependency involves trying to meet legitimate needs in illegitimate ways.

Part of my recovery is “living one day at a time”.

Here is how it started…

Years ago I was approached by a married man who wanted to have a fling on the side. It was obvious he felt he had to much to loose from divorce and that an affair was ok with him. I told him that is was not ok with me, and suggested he get into marriage counseling and divorce his wife first.

This time around I felt the situation was much different.

I thought the relationship would work out because I knew he was sincere about his feelings, and that he and his wife were no longer intimate, or in love.

I also thought that because we were older and that we had such a good connection, it could work out.

What either one of us did not understand, was at the end of the day, he would not be able to leave his children, who are now 12 and 16, and cleave to me.

In spite of these circumstances, I do feel like I made a couple of wise and important decisions on my own behalf.

I told him what I wanted up front and I gave myself the time frame of one year. As the months progressed and I saw that we were not growing together as a couple, the red flags turned into sounding alarms. He started telling me that all he needed was more time. My heart just could no longer believe in a future where we would be together. I told him that I felt he didn’t understand the position he was putting me in and that asking me to wait was unfair. I also told him that I felt he has a lot of things to put together, and that I need him to be able to fully commit to me.

It will be one year ago this Monday when he asked me to marry him. He has gone away for the “Christmas” weekend which is something he never would do with me. Hmmm?

Today, I do forgive him and better understand, that like myself, he is a broken person, who greatest capacity is to just get through life one day at a time.

Thank you for letting me share my story.

Macbarbi December 20, 2011 at 11:18 AM

I’m glad to know I’m not in this alone after reading all of this. I have been dating my Married boss for about 1 year and half. His wife knows me and recently found out about us and it really makes me feel crappy because we were kind of friends and I know this hurted her so much and I loved his kids and they loved me and now I will never see them again and it saddens me .But I fell for every word he said to me and now I’m deeply in love with him and I’m just trying to get over him. We have left the country together and we have left the city for 2 nightsas well so he has taken wild risks for me. But it isn’t enough. All of his friends know about me and get along with me pretty well. They are all also married and have girlfriends! I was thinking WTF is this what Indian men do? He’s in a religious marriage and I know they will never divorce because of it and because of his kids and also their business. I no longer work near him because of the problems. I just want to get a new job and never see him again I want to move on. But he doesn’t let me, he’s very jealous about me and doesn’t want me going out and doesn’t want me talking to other man. We even had a crazy fight once because he tought I was “flirting” in front of him, he was drunk and so was I but things got really ugly and that also worried me. I really want to get out of all this mess, I just don’t think I should leave him now that we got caught because its not the right time. She’s fighting with him now and I’m getting no attention from him because he’s busy with her or fixing their problems. I just want to get out, how do I do this=(

suzy December 24, 2011 at 2:44 PM

You ask how can you get out of this, that’s your question right? My answer is: Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, get a new job and start to focus on becoming a woman that has a high degree of integrity, high values and self wroth. It’s as simple as that and yes it takes a commitment to become the woman you know you can be.You need to wake up and realize that you when you play with fire you’ll get burned. You need to decide if you are happy being this man’s mistress and are okay with the pain and self hatred you’ll feel, or if you are ready to take responsibility for your own life and do the hard work to change your iperception of yourself.

If you want help and advice on how to do this right now click here

Colo Lady December 25, 2011 at 10:24 AM

Macbarbi,

To start with, I came to realize how contrary the whole situation had become for my life. Secondly, because I also worked with this man, I went out and got a new job to further break away.

Does it hurt? Absolutely!

Do I want to run back? Yes!

Is it easy? No!

I came to realize that breaking away takes hard emotional work, and lots of it!

I read my books on co-dependency, I do my 12 step work, and ultimately, I listen to the guidance of my Lord. Through this I have come to realize that it is my brokenness, my neediness, and my lack of ability to stand up for what I truly want that has allowed “ME”, and no one else, to settle for some outlandishly distorted view of what a relationship is supposed to be in the first place.

I have to be strong and take courage everyday. I have to decide to stop being victimized and stop allowing my fear to “settle for less” than what I truly want for my life!

Every morning I take courage and shout for joy that this new road I am on is bringing me closer to the freedom and someday the true relationship I am seeking for my life.

debi locascio October 26, 2011 at 10:31 PM

I started seeing a married man who I thought was seperated. found out he wasn’t but then it was to late, I had already fallen for him.. He told me he loved me and said I was the best person he’d ever been with.. He never said anything bad about his wife, they were good friends just no intimacy. he told her he loved me and that he wont’ stop seeing me.. It was really a weird situation. Like she didn’t care until I said I would live with them? anyway, they are now finally divorced. 4 weeks now and he is complaining that I get upset when he goes out without me. he says he does not want a serious relationship, but does not want to lose me because he has feelings for me. He said he loves his ex but they were just not a good couple. still has her pictures around?? I don’t get it… he says he loves me but is not IN love with me…? to make it all worse.. We work in the same room together… I really care about him because I was never loved the way he loved me.. he always in the bedroom or not, made me feel like I was on top of the world.. all the pictures we took together are so awesome.. now he says that was the past..?? I told him he was a better boyfriend when he was a cheater.. I seriously believe that, but I also think I love him as well….

quester2011 September 20, 2011 at 8:54 AM

“you are keeping your life on hold with maybe some thought that he may leave his wife someday”
Once again thank you. This is really true. Wishing that I can have him someday. You gave me clearer vision to really decide on what to do for still I am thinking of making the relationship as it is ‘no commitment, just for sex or companiongship’ as long as he keeps on giving me his little time.
Though I still don’t have a clear plan on how to move on with my two kids…I still wish my kids to have a warm hearted father…

quester2011 September 18, 2011 at 10:34 AM

Thank you for this blog. I am divorced with two children and having an affair with a married man too. I kept on telling my self to leave the relationship but it seems comfortable just to see each other occasionally. He is in his late 40s and I’m in my early 30s. I do like him for he is responsible…seems he is the full package of a man I am looking for but I should let it go… leave the relationship and move on for my children. By reading all the articles in this blog…it helped me decide to really leave him and go on with my life…might be someday, I will really find the guy whom I am ready to be commited to…

suzy September 19, 2011 at 3:49 PM

Thank you for sharing your story. The key word you used is it seems comfortable to be with him. Being with a married man can make you feel safe because you see him as someone who understands your situation. As a married man he can’t have too many affairs at the same time just due to time restraints, so you can feel he is more committed to you than say a single or divorced guy you may meet. But here’s the thing, you are keeping you life on hold with maybe some thought that he may leave his wife someday. Odd are even if he left her he won’t end up with you. And why would you want to be with a man who cheated on his wife? I want to support you for moving on and congratulate you for making important decision to move on for your sake and your children s sake.

Hugs,
Suzy

The Love PR September 13, 2011 at 10:28 AM

I have personally been in a relationship with a married man and I’ve gone through the same phases like most of you writing here do now. And because he left his wife and child for me and not by coincidence, but because I worked towards this goal, I want to share my story with you, all the women dating a married guy.

Good luck :)

priya September 1, 2011 at 3:04 PM

dear suzy ,.i am not married. im in the worst fix ever,. ive never cheated in my life ever. and never ever wanted to be dating a married man. my situation is not very nice, as i do have a boyfriend who i have loved very much and do, and the man im involved with also loves his wife(they do not have children and have been married for two yrs only after dating for 4 years) ,. the first day we met recently we just could not stop but tell how much we loved each other even before he got married. we just dint meet before he was married ,tho we liked each other too much, cause of me being very shy to talk to him,. now we love each other too much, have tried a million times to stay away , failing every time, he respects and never talks ill about his wife, and so do i about my boyfriend,. we both have much respect for our partners,. but have loved each other for yrs,. but just letting each other know a month back,. i asked him if he would divorce his wife to be with me, and he said he is very confused and upset,.i do understand it,. but he says he loves me very much and wants to be with me , stand by me everytime i fall. its very difficult for me as i love him very much,. and have no idea how to go about this. he says that he wants us to work, but just does not know how. plz advice what i should do.thank you

suzy September 3, 2011 at 12:00 PM

The reality is you can’t be devoted and in love with your boyfriend and he with his wife and cheat on them. You both need to do the responsible thing. Either stop seeing each other or leave your partners and take the risk to see where you and he stand when you have no other partner to fall back on. In other words you really won’t know if you two are really meant to be together until you have left your partners and have total freedom to be together. Believe me you are damaging your current partners by cheating way more than if you dissolve your relationship with them. If you consider yourself and ethical and honest woman than you must do the right thing. Stay with your boyfriend and stop seeing this married man. Or leave your boyfriend and he must divorce his wife before you engage with each other in a honest and ethical relationship.

Heather August 12, 2011 at 8:34 PM

Hi Suzy,

I’ve been married for 9 years with two young children. Next month I’m filing for divorce. My husband was recently diagnosed bipolar and I have dealt with years of verbal and emotional abuse. Last fall after one of his extreme outbursts I decided I could no longer be married to him. I’ve taken so long to file because I wanted to stay together for the kids. Now I realize it is better to be divorced. I can’t bring myself to be intimate with him and we both have been in therapy for almost a year.

3 months ago I became involved with a married man (never cheated before in my life). It has been a nice escape from my failing marriage. He plans to divorce as well early next year. He wants to keep our affair going but I’m getting tired of it. I feel so good with him but hate sharing him with his wife. I’m worried the longer I let our affair continue the more comfortable he’ll become. Plus as you have mentioned, will he cheat on me if we do get married someday? What about me? Am I doomed to be a “cheater” because of getting involved with a married man. I want to live a life of integrity. I just feel so vulnerable right now with all my life changes coming up. My brain knows what is right, my heart though feels different. Do you believe that people can change and not continue their cheating ways in a second marriage? I know you hear it all the time but I truly love this man and don’t want to live without him. However, I don’t want to take second place. It makes me feel terrible and I also feel bad for his wife. Why doesn’t he seem to feel as guilty as I do about having an affair? Thanks for your advice! :)

Heather

suzy August 13, 2011 at 3:44 PM

Hi Heather, congratulations on getting out of a damaging marriage, I know it’s not an easy decision and I know the challenges you will face as a divorced woman and single mom. It can feel overwhelming. However I have great concern for you regarding this affair with a married man. I suppose the good news is he probably has helped you move on with your decision to file for a divorce. It feels less scary when you have another man in your life. But the good news stops there.
You are very vulnerable at this point in your life so you are an easy target for this married man to decide to cheat on his wife. Whether or not he ever leaves his wife, this relationship between you and him will never offer anything except heartache and loss of self respect for yourself. You feel very needy right now so that is why you think you are in love with this man don’t want to live without him. Affairs are not about reality, they are about romantic encounters that will only last a short time. You do not need to worry about him cheating on you should he actually leave his wife because you and he will not end up together at the end of the day. The statistics prove this out time and time again.
I know this is difficult to hear but it is obvious that your instincts are kicking in otherwise you would not have even read this blog and commented. If you don’t take the time to regroup and get you values and needs understood after a failed marriage you are headed down a very slippery and miserable road. This is the time to re-evaluate your life and get clear on where you are headed and spend time as a single woman and meeting a variety of men. That is how women dating after divorce succeed the second time around. The take the time to figure out what they want, they make a plan and they take action on the plan and soon after that they will find their perfect mate. If you would like to successfully move on with your life in a positive way check out “Dating After Divorce, I’m Ready Now What?”

josephin August 3, 2011 at 1:41 AM

hi Suzy,
i really need your advice.I have been seeing this married man for the last two and a half years,he has been married for ten years now ,am a single lady.When he approached me i was reluctant at first for the obvious reason he was married.Well he never gave up on me easily till i gave in.he promised to leave his wife who cannot conceive and marry me instead plus many other promises.i have been patient but none of his words have been fulfilled.infact he has reached a point where he ignores my calls and at times he switches his phone off claiming its his wife.Am stuck either because hardly finish a month without telling him i need to move on,its doing me no good,its hurting and wasting my time.He comes to me with excuses to keep me going and i hung on coz i have never met a single man who is ready for me.my heart is fed up with him,i dont need him but how do i pull myself out completely?I know i have a dark future with him especially from his relatives and wife.I have never been introduced to his friends or relatives yet he claims to serious with me.He shuts me down to pick a call from his wife otherwise its chaos for him!Am in tears as i right this as my broken heart is in despair of commiting to another relationship,please help.

Reply

suzy August 4, 2011 at 12:16 PM

Hi Josephin,
There is only 1 question you need to ask yourself to get the answer to your dilemma. Why are you with a man who is unavailable? That is the question that will shed the light on your unhappy situation. The commitment issue is yours not his. Are you playing it safe because you are afraid of intimacy? Or you don’t want to lose the freedom that you have now by being single? If you are saying to yourself: is Suzy crazy, doesn’t she get that I am miserable because he is still with his wife and not with me. No, I get what you say you want but I also see the truth of the situation and it is not about him it is all about you.

There are reasons why you chose to get involved with a married man and they are not because of love. It’s because this man was married and therefore unavailable that satisfied a fear of commitment in you.You need to look deep inside your unconscious beliefs and fears to uncover why you are attracted to a man that is not available to be in a full fledged, honest relationship with you. If you don’t get this figured out you will continue to be attracted to unavailable men.

Now, I know this is not what you want to hear and you are probably in resistance to this analogy of what is going on inside you, but I promise you it is the truth. And just in case you are still holding out hope that your married man will leave his wife, 1 of 2 things are likely to happen. He will leave his wife but won’t end up being with you long tern. Or if he leaves her for you the likelihood that he will cheat on you can almost be guaranteed. You deserve a honest, loving relationship. Get your own issues handled and you will find you own Mr. Right, not some other woman’s husband.

Hope this helps you move on in your life,
Suzy

Renee July 31, 2011 at 11:46 AM

Like Julia, I have always been very firm in my belief that extramarital relationships are a complete and absolute no-no and that I would NEVER be a part of one. I’ve recently discovered that I am not immune to the susceptibility…and really, no one probably is.

I divorced my first husband after 20 years because of his infidelity. I caught him cheating 7 times throughout our marriage and feel certain there were more that I was unaware of. The divorce was 8 years ago. For the following 5 1/2 years, I focused completely on raising my children. I didn’t date, didn’t even talk to any men outside of friends of the family. He has remarried.

Within 4 months of moving my youngest off to college, I reconnected with a man that I had dated when we were in Jr. High. We had not seen each other in almost 30 years. But my parents had seen his a few times over the years. Because of this, I didn’t do a background check on him and took everything he told me about himself at face value. BIG mistake. I ended up getting pressured by him into marrying him, at great cost to myself. Turns out that everything he told me about himself was a lie. He was a con man and within a month of the wedding, I discovered some of the major lies. These were egregious and insurmountable. I divorced him immediately. He was remarried within a year.

About six months ago, I met a man at a place where I have been going for 20 years. A place filled with life long friends of the family. I was immediately attracted to him and we struck up a conversation. The attraction was obviously mutual. Before the night ended, I asked the question…”Are you married?”…the answer was yes. Very disappointing, but at that moment I said “oh…that stinks, but you are completely off-limits”.

Over the ensuing weeks, we saw each other at that place and developed a friendship, a “camaraderie” if you will. I don’t remember the exact moment that my attitude changed, but there came a moment when a closer relationship became completely ok in my mind. In his, too. Finally, one night we just took things to the next level. And have done so several times since. Most of the time, our time spent together is simply two friends talking.

When a friend asked me to explain to her how I could allow myself to get caught up in such a situation, before I even knew what I was saying, I told her “I’ve lived the high road for so long and I’m alone. The two a$$holes that were without morals have someone to share their lives with. It seems to me, the high road doesn’t pay off. I like spending time with [my married man] and I’m going to enjoy this time while I can.”

I am not ready to have a person in my life and home on a full time basis. I know that what I am doing is morally wrong…and I am conflicted, ver much so. So far, though, I haven’t found the fortitude to stop. It is my hope that I will, soon. And the very rational person that I am is aware of all the pitfalls, complications, potentials for hurt…but the rarely seen emotional side of me just doesn’t seem to care at this point. Despite all the logic.

Anyway…I wanted to share how I found that it is very easy one can find themselves in this situation when one’s defenses are down.

suzy August 1, 2011 at 11:59 AM

I really appreciate you sharing your story and current situation. And, there is nothing I can tell you that you haven’t told yourself regarding the pitfalls of having an affair with a married man. However, based on your past relationships and this current situation I wonder if you have thought about why you attract dishonest, cheating men or as in this moment a married man. You mentioned that you were immediately attracted to this married man and you were obviously attracted to your ex’s as well. You also said the you are not ready to have a person in you life and home on a full time basis. Well, you don’t need to worry about that with your current affair, he’s safe in that sense. But, my gut says that you may have some intimacy issues and that is what causes your attraction to men who are emotionally unavailable as with your ex’s. I say emotionally unavailable because for a man to cheat and lie he has to keep his guard up and that puts the distance between you and him. The other issue to look at is, do you on an unconscious level feel unworthy of having a loving and committed relationship? I’m not trying to play the role of a therapist but just want to offer you some food for thought. I want to support you to get to the bottom of what is going on within you or you may be at risk of repeating this pattern again and again.

Hope some of this helps, take care and again thanks for sharing.

Janice July 24, 2011 at 12:05 PM

My name is Janice and I am over 40 and has been divorced for a year. I begin a relationship with a married man about three months after my divorce. I had said this is something that I would never do but look at me now. We started out as friends and he would give me emotional support during my divorce and at the time I had no interest in him because I went throught a bad divorce. I did not want a relationship, I just wanted sex because I am high strung. He is the only guy that I know here because my ex-husband moved us to another state which is 1300 miles away from our hometown, family and friends. So it started out as just sex with the married man, but I had started to notice that it has turned into more. We have a connection other than sex, we actually found out that we have a lot in common. So we still have sex but not as often, we spend more time together talking and we have been on trips together. Now, I am starting to have feeling but have never shared this with but I know he knows how I feel. I told him in the beginning that I would never ask him to leave his wife, that would have to be a decision that he would have to make. The point is, I care alot about him and I know that it is wrong. (My husband cheated on me with women and men and I know how it feels). I know that I should end it but I have been toying with deciding on what to do for about two weeks. Suzy, No one knows about our relationship and I work with him and see him everyday. I have not told anyone because I dont want to be judged. Suzy please offer some advice.

suzy July 25, 2011 at 1:38 PM

Well, Janice you are asking me to offer some advice but I think you know in your heart what you need to do. Here is the thing if you don’t end this relationship you are hurting yourself. Coming out of a bad marriage requires time to heal and time to get clear on your own values and emotional needs. Starting a relationship with a married man just 3 months out of your divorce short circuited what you needed to do for you. It has clouded over all you issues and now you believe that you have feelings for this married man. But the problem is you can’t trust anything that you think or feel about about him or anyone else until you take the necessary time to get your own self clear and centered. And only at that point should you venture out to begin to date available men that can meet your requirements for what you want in a mate. Get real and understand that even if your married guy decides to leave his wife and be with you the odds are not in your favor for a successful relationship with him. You are a victim of a man that cheated on you and now you are potentially considering being with this current man who is cheating on his wife. If you want to repeat the cheating marriage you left then convince this married guy to leave his wife for you and prepare yourself to be with another cheating spouse. He is cheating on his wife right now and he will cheat on you. If you are ready for a loving and respectful relationship the next time around then you need to do some serious inner work and get clear on why you attract cheaters. At that point you will be ready to find Mr. Right. So the only question left is are you ready to make the choices that will bring you happiness in your future relationships.

Karen Returns July 20, 2011 at 11:32 AM

I am a divorcee and I began a relationship with a married man about 3 months ago. His wife has openly had a boyfriend for 2 years, and although they co-habitate for financial reasons, there is no sexual intimacy between the spouses.

I believed that these extenuating circumstances made the relationship between us possible, but after several weeks of dating, I realized that nothing makes adultery acceptable. I soon realized that I was always going to come second best to his wife, and I would not continue to accept the silver medal. Empty promises to separate became the norm, and I am not one to be hoodwinked.

This past Friday, I gathered my thoughts in a letter, broke off the affair, and I haven’t looked back. It hurts and I am markedly upset, but in life the right thing to do is always the hard thing to do.

I divorced my husband in order to be happy. It was difficult, costly and emotionally draining…..but I did it. Why couldn’t he? If he really wanted me, he should have been willing to end things with his former spouse first.

I’ll be honest, I would probably take him back if he was single. But until such time as he comes to me untethered, we are through. I will not share a man with another woman…no one should!!

suzy July 20, 2011 at 2:09 PM

I want to thank you so much for sharing your story so others in your position can see how you took charge of you life in a very responsible and positive way. I also want to congratulate you for doing the right thing, which as you say can also be the hard thing. I really want to encourage others who are involved with a married man to keep reading your post to help them get the courage to follow your lead. I want to encourage you to stay strong and don’t look back, just move on and soon the pain will lessen. And just one last thing. Remember this kind of guy, should he become single and available, will most likely cheat on you just like he is cheating on his wife. So what would be the upside of taking him back? More heartache and disappointment, and who wants that?

Take care,
Suzy

Karen August 10, 2011 at 10:43 AM

Since I broke up with my married man, he has made a complete 180 degree change. He severed his finances from the estranged wife, retained and attorney, went to his first mediation meeting with her and is looking for his own place. I’m not sure how I feel about any potential for our future, but I’m happy he’s finally doing what he needs to do for his own. Perhaps the next woman he meets won’t have to go through what I did.

These men need a kick in the pants, not understanding or enabling!

suzy August 10, 2011 at 5:42 PM

Thanks Karen for sharing your experience. What many women don’t realize is that by staying in a relationship with a married man he feels less inclined to deal with the mess and all that goes along with a divorce. Once you leave the relationship the man will often times do what your married man did, get off his butt. As you said by staying with him you enable him to hang out in both worlds. The reality is that you and he will probably not end up together and that is in your best interest. If you get into a serious relationship with a man who cheated on his wife to have a relationship with your it won’t be long before he cheats on you. But you can give your self a pat on the back for being the catalyst to get this man to move on his life and that is good Karma!

2nd divorce July 12, 2011 at 6:09 PM

I AM INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED MAN THAT HAS BEEN WITH HIS WIFE FOR 23 YRS. THIS IS THE SECOND TIME IN TEN YRS WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER. HE RECENTLY FOUND ME AFTER A THREE YR SEARCH AND WE PICKED UP RIGHT WHERE WE LEFT AND HAVE JUST GROWN FROM THERE. IM NOT SURE WHAT TO FEEL I HAVE TOLD HIM THE ONLY REASON HE STAYS WITH WIFE IS THE MONEY PERKS WITH OTHER THE LOVE AND ATTACHMENT. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN SEXUAL IN OVER THREE YRS SO SAYS HE. I THINK IM CRAZY TO LOVE HIM BUT AFTER A 13 YR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND A 6 YR VERBAL MARRIAGE I THINK IM JUST DOOMED.

sagar July 8, 2011 at 6:00 AM

I JUST WANT TO SAY THT DONT LISTEN TO ANYBODY JUST LISTEN TO WHAT UR HEART SAYS.

suzy July 8, 2011 at 2:08 PM

There is the potential for an underlying problem when only listening to your heart when involved with a married man. Your heart may desire what will never be available and that will cause heartbreak. Dating a married man means that the playing field is not even. He is not free to enter another relationship until he ends the one he is in. That may or may not ever happen. It would probably be helpful to get educated about the deadly dating mistakes women over 40 make so you can get on the right track to meet great available men.

JJ July 6, 2011 at 9:44 AM

Truth is he never said he was unhappy at home. He just carelessly fell in love and he is very confused especially now that the other woman or mistress is pregnant.

suzy July 6, 2011 at 3:55 PM

I would say, the truth is that even if he was unhappy at home, that is not an excuse to cheat on his wife. There is not ever an okay reason for infidelity. And remember, if he has an affair but you decide to stay with him anyway the odds are he will most likely cheat on you again. You deserve more than a cheating husband in my opinion.

Hugs,
Suzy

Peachy May 17, 2011 at 7:06 PM

Suzy
I am a divorcee I have recently made contact with my boyfriend from highschool to my mid 20′s. In school there was an pregnancy not fullterm. Afterwards it took a toll on us where we seperated later when we reconnected in my 20′s after I birth a daughter he wanted to be a part of her life. Shortly after finding out he fathered a child and always said he would never let another man raise his child so I told him to do what he felt was right. So they married we drifted until recent now it’s like we never skipped a beat I have asked why and is there guilt he says he knows its not right but he has to follow his heart and finally try for happiness. I want to let it go but how do you do that when this is the person u had ur firsts with and whom u told to do the right thing. If u are in a loveless marriage do u stay for the kids.I forgot to mention he is also forming a connection with my daughter whos fathered passed and he feels he needs to be there. What to do!!!

suzy May 18, 2011 at 11:13 AM

Hi Peachy,
All I can wonder is why you have not moved on in your life and why you would want to repeat the past? However what is most important in this situation is how this will impact your daughter, which you forgot to mention until this last sentence. In my opinion you must put your daughter first and you last. You are allowing this man to form a relationship with your daughter along knowing he is not free to become a constant part of her life. He is a married man with a child or children of his own and he is cheating on his wife and family every time he is with you and your daughter. At any time he could vanish to do ‘the right thing’ and go back to being a committed husband and father to his real family. That will leave your daughter to deal with losing yet another father figure in addition to her own father who has passed away. My question to you is how can you justify putting your daughter through this devastating experience? My advice to you is grow up and get your act together and do what is best for your daughter and in the long run will be best for you. Move on with your life now!

Hugs to you and your daughter,
Suzy

james February 2, 2011 at 11:46 PM

Here’s another man’s point of view. I’m unhappily married and had been flirting causally with a younger woman in town. It was all friendly chatter, she knew i was married so there wasnt any lying. We’d caually chat and had become friendly over time. Then one night a bunch of us went out together. We of course hit it off again and hung out most of the night. She had recently gotten divorced because her husband had cheated on her. We talked about marriage a lot and how we’ve both had issues with it. The chemistry and the vibe we had for each other was unmatched. We ended up spending the night together and mnost of the next day. Fooling around, laughing, telling stories. It was great. For the next 3-4 weeks we would meet up for activities, or I’d show up at her work to hang out and we kept it fun and casual, both knowing that we were into each other. THEN – all of a sudden it just STopped Cold. We made plans to do something and I never heard from her. Then, the next time I saw her she confessed that she felt so guilty and how bad she felt for my wife. I interpreted this as past feelings of anger she had for her ex-husband, but didn’t know. I told her how my wife and I were stopping seeing each other and were going to be separating and this was happening way before any of the recent things with her. She seemed to feel better, but then never heard from her. So, as a last result to clear the air, I wrote her a letter explaining things, what was going on with my marriage, why i was so into her and wanted to be with her, why we have so much fun hanging out, etc.. She read it and said she would write back. This was 5 weeks ago and I haven’t heard anything. So confused. Moving on.

Stuck December 1, 2010 at 10:43 AM

I have been with a married man for almost 5 years now. We met and we became friends instantly. I was going through some things with the father of my middle child, he use to torment me and call me all the time and just wouldnt leave me alone. He was there for me and he had some problems in his marriage. his wife treated him like crap all the time. so we use to talk and just kind of be support for each other. Well, this is how it ended up being as relationship. we both never intended for it to happen or turn into what it did, it just did. Then, I ended up pregnant and now have a 3 yr old daughter with this man. I am very much in love with him, but I find myself resenting him now and am upset all the time. I express these feelings to him, but he says that he has got to get all of his plans set up before he proceeds forward with a divorce. The other issue is that he has a 6 almost 7 year old son, and he doesnt want to lose him and I completely understand that but he has also become a father to my other kids as well. we have been through so much together and sometimes i feel like I want to leave and sometimes i feel as though I am so in love with him and invested so much time that it is worth waiting a little longer. i just dont know anymore… my thoughs are all flustered and emotional…i cant think straight. i know that i am wrong and i am probably going to be judged harshly when people read this, and of course be told, leave him he is no good, i’m horrible for dating him, blah blah blah…
I do believe him when he says he wants to leave, i havent forced him into this decision, and i have known how he is treated at home, but I am just trying to figure out is it really worth it? am I just wasting my time? should I hold out a bit longer? It seems like I am at a crossroad and not sure what direction I should take…

newattitude October 29, 2010 at 7:52 PM

your article is right on! except i am a divorced woman dating a married man. all of the points you make are exactly what i am experiencing. thank you! i must get a grip on mysel!

suzy October 30, 2010 at 5:37 PM

New Attitude,
I am so sad for your situation because heartbreak and grief will soon be your experience. But you don’t need to wait for things to get worse. If you want to really build your self esteem and be the powerful woman that you are, run don’t walk out of this relationship right now. You can do it!
Hugs,
Suzy

Char October 5, 2010 at 11:50 AM

My sister has been divorced in the 70s. Married a born-again Christian in the 80s. He died. She has been alone for ? maybe 8-9 years. She has been trying to find a mate since. She is lonely and apparently vulnerable since he has been dating via the internet. The most recent guy lives in Kanas, married supposedly filing for divorce Baptist, who apparently is separated from his wife of approximately 18 years. Gives her a sad story. He was a pastor at one time and left that because he states his marriage was not good. My sister seems hooked. She is a Christian for many years. She has talked with her pastor and his wife. I am not sure of the outcome of that other than she is still communicating with this guy.. They talk “daily” and have bible study every night. How can I help my sister. Thank you. Sincerely

suzy October 6, 2010 at 12:58 PM

Hi Char,
Unfortunately, you can’t help your sister. Your sister has to help herself.
As you said she is hooked. By trying to convince her otherwise, she will run in the opposite direction and even deeper into defending him as her Mr. Right. You just need to be a shoulder to cry on when things fall apart because they probably will. Just hope it is sooner than later.
Your sister’s story shows why it is so important for a divorced or widowed woman to take the right action for finding a fulfilling relationship. Right action means to follow a successful dating plan to meet available men.
You said your sister has been “trying” to find a mate for 8 or 9 years without success. Unfortunately, she must have been looking for love in all the wrong places. You see, it is not hard to find that special guy when you have a plan that works, and you work the plan.
Now she ends up on dating sites that attract lots of men who are liars and cheaters (and worse). And believe me, these types of men know how to attract and prey on lonely women.
In fact, I did a special inside track video exposing the dirty little secrets of meeting men online. We even found one guy that was convicted of murder and did his time in prison (11 years), was released and now was waiting for trial for “allegedly” shooting someone. Oh, by the way, he also had a profile on match.com and was dating several women in Texas.
Another guy in New York was recently arrested. He was charged with conning several women he met through online dating sites out of $140,000 dollars, before he was discovered.
Let’s hope the man your sister is involved with is just a guy who dates while he is still married. Some people call this dating. I call it cheating. That would be the best case scenario.
Sorry I can’t give you the magic pill that will make all this go away. All you can do is to be there for her when she is in pain and needs love and nurturing.
She is lucky to have a caring sister like you.
Take care,
Suzy

lisa October 4, 2010 at 9:29 PM

Hi Suzy,
I did the ultimate no-no. I jumped into a relationship with my much older, married divorce attorney – who also happens to be financially supporting me and my three children. In some ways, I feel that he has taken advantage of me because he knew that I was financially broke and emotionally vulnerable. I have very few job skills and was so poor, I almost had to take my childen back to my home state to live with my mother (this is the last thing I wanted for my children). He seemed like a savior to me and we had so much fun together -despite the 24 yr age difference. Now almost two years in, I’m looking for a way out (he’s also very controlling and demanding) and I feel trapped trapped trapped. I love him, but it’s time for me to move on – he’s just making it very difficult, on purpose. I’m ashamed of myself and I feel lost. I could use some advice from someone non-judgemental like you…

suzy October 5, 2010 at 8:32 AM

Hi Lisa,
I’m so sorry to hear about your dilemma.
I am hoping that other women out there will take your story to heart and won’t have to suffer the pain, fear, guilt and low self esteem you are now suffering.
My advice to you is to do whatever you have to do to get out of this situation. If that means you and your children need to live with your Mother for a time than do it. Or ask a friend to help you out until you can get on your feet.
That first step is you must leave right now. From there things will work out, I promise, they always do. You just have to have faith in yourself.
I’m not saying it will be easy, but you can do it. There are plenty of opportunities out there for you to make a good life for you and your children. Including going back to school or getting some special training in a field that you have an interest in. Women in your situation make a life for themselves everyday. It is all about attitude and desire.
Let me tell you the longer you wait, the worse it will get. And at some point he will tire of you or his wife will find out, and you will be left high and dry.
Do not wait for that to happen, it will destroy you. Leave now on you own terms, head held high and don’t look back. Move forward with gratitude for the lesson you have learned because it is the motivation that will propel you to build a life for yourself and your family.
Let me know how things work out for you.
Suzy

*Confused August 16, 2010 at 5:18 PM

Hi, I have been dating a married man for almost 3 years. We both lived in other states and decided to move to one designated state to be with one another. He is still married and says t is because he doesn’t have money to get a divorce and such. There has been so much hurt/pain throughout this relationship but I feel too scared to let go; not sure why. Mutual friends say that I need to leave him because he is “having his cake….”! I think I am just at a point now where I don’t want to keep moving my daughter around during her high school years (she moved with me) and I am just telling myself not to fall DEEPER than I already am. I find myself struggling and hurting more than this relationship is worth but for once in my life I am actually scared to “let go”…. There is SO MUCH more detail to the story but I thought I’d give the short version.

gorgeous green eyes July 30, 2010 at 9:46 PM

Thanks Suzy……To this day, I still think of this man and what could have been. My journey through many years of marriage (remember 4 times to 3 men !) has led me through some dark times and the happiest of times. I found out last month (on my birthday) that I am going to be a grandmother in January by my youngest son, who is 26. This is the most wonderful news ever !My Son’s father passed away from lung cancer 23 years ago next month. When this baby comes it will be so bittersweet because my second late husband cannot be there with us to share in this joy and he would be so proud. I already know I will be very emotional when I get to hold my grandchild. Thank you for mentioning what I wrote. I was SO flattered that this man wanted to spend time with me because of what he could lose, and I don’t mean just his marriage and children. And he always would say, “we can just talk if you want to…” This kind of certainty about someone only comes a few times in one’s life. And the ONLY other time in my life I had felt this kind of chemistry was with my 2nd husband, father of my two gorgeous and handsome sons. This brief affair was not just about the sex it was how we felt when we were together or talked on the phone….I could see his soul through his beautiful blue eyes. The spiritual aura around him was of kindness and extreme intelligence. He did say to me one time, “I love my wife and I love my family (we were out to dinner) and I said, “This may make you mad when I tell you this..But you may love your wife but you are NOT IN LOVE with her or else you would not be here with me and a HAPPILY MARRIED MAN does not step out on his wife…” He just looked at me (remember he is a Police Detective…and I was able to call him Dude and be bratty and sass him back whenever I wanted to…He loved it) and he was smiling the rest of the night :) It was if he was trying to convince himself. But sometimes you have to do the right thing and I told him at the end to do this FOR his kids (5 & 8 years old) and to love his wife. And that WHAT I WANTED was NOTHING compared to what he could lose. And for all his accomplishments I had to defer to that and put that first. I do understand the situation he is in,,,,My first marriage was when I was barely 20 and by the time I was 22 I was cheating on my husband. I told him all I wanted was for him to be happy. I will never forget these feelings and this guy will remain FOREVER in my heart and mind. Oh, I tell all the guys, “Hey, I am taking applications for grandfathers…….” The guys love it! But chemistry is what means the most to me and one day again I will feel that feeling that is when someone literally takes your breath away such as this man did and perhaps the only thing one could ever want is what took your breath away in the first place…….. and I would miss this man even if we had never met and I let him know that at the end. 20 years from now I will think of him and smile. Have a good night Suzy and thank you for letting me share my (unique) experience with you and others. Hugs to you also, Christy :)

suzy July 29, 2010 at 8:27 AM

Hi Lauren,
I want to congratulate you for recognizing that you were heading into a place you would not want to be. Plus understanding how one could “stoop so low” should be a major breakthrough for you. And I have great respect for you to value yourself and set yourself free from being married to an addict and womanizer. You’ve come a long way baby!
Now you are headed in the right direction. You deserve to have a fulfilling relationship and your Mr. Right is out there.
Dating after divorce requires that you become an intelligent dater. Stay tuned and keep checking back to this blog. I am close to announcing something that will support you and help prevent you from going down the wrong road again.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I know it will help other divorced women dating married men.
Hugs
Suzy

Lauren July 28, 2010 at 7:59 PM

After 10 years of being married to an addict and womanizer, I got divorced. I ended up reconnecting with a boyfriend from college who is married. Spending one night with him reminded me of what it was like to be treated better than my ex-husband. I have continued the long distance affair but I am losing the euphoria of it all. In the end, he too is unavailable emotionally. All of the reasons you mentioned are real, at least for me. I can’t conceieve opening my heart to another. I was a woman who believed all adulterers should wear the letter ‘A’ and be given the death sentence. Unfortunately, I now understand how one could ‘stoop so low’. I will consider your advice in this column.

suzy July 28, 2010 at 10:28 AM

Walter,
First question to ask yourself is: What were you doing about your unhappy marriage before you reconnected with friend from 30 years ago? Were you working on ways to improve your marriage before having an affair? Remember marriage takes work. I’m asking you this because you are heading down a slippery dangerous slope.
Your affair is an illusion. Your friend is dating a married man. (That would be you). An affair with another person gives you the feeling of being on a high. Just like smoking dope, doing drugs and drinking alcohol. But once the affair becomes an open relationship and you start to deal with the drama and trauma of everyday life, you will come crashing down from the high and be left with a hangover. The illusion of this long lost love evaporates and the real world shows up like a major wake up call.
Your issue is not about having an affair with this married woman, but rather your issue is about not dealing with your marriage. Your marriage is what is real. Until you have exhausted all the avenues to make your marriage whole and healthy you are not a free man. At one time you were very attracted to your wife and the mother of your children. It is your responsibility to dig down deep and give 200% effort to try to make your marriage healthy. Ask your wife to date a married man. (That would be you).
Soon your wife will discover her husband is cheating. Soon your children will suffer the pain of having a father that cheated on their mother. Get your life back on track before it is too late.
Come out of the ether and show up as a responsible married man. Whether your marriage can be repaired and healed or you and your wife decide to divorce, deal with it by demonstrating that you have the highest level of integrity. Set your intention for everyone in your immediate family to come out whole.
The alternative is to continue cheating on your wife and family and everyone will come out broken.
What I know for sure is, this affair rarely survives in the real world, It is just an illusion that will turn into a nightmare.
Suzy Weiss

Walter July 28, 2010 at 9:11 AM

Hi, I just came across your posting and wanted to ask something from the man’s side. The situation that I am in is that I am married and so is the person I am seeing. We were friends since high school and now 30 years later we have reconnected. It started as innocent as you mentioned in your writings. Just lunch or dinner every now and then with no idea of sex or cheating… more built on some common interests with the kids and things like that. We both are in unhappy marriages with uncaring spouses and somewhat abusive mentally more than physical, but it never was the deciding factor to cheat… it was more like a relationship was building in the background. Now we question what the next step is. I enjoyed your article and postings but I am just so confused as I know its wrong to continue, but we are at the point of being in love and enjoy our time together even though it is limited. I know what the right thing is to do but I am trying to look at all the factors and there is of coarse the kids. Just looking for your perspective…

gorgeous green eyes May 8, 2010 at 10:43 PM

Well, 5 months ago I met this man who LITERALLY took my breath away the first time I met him. Wow. I have been divorced for 2 years now and I have been married 4 times to 3 men…(widowed once with two grown sons from second marriage) This man is truly my soul / twin mate and the chemistry when we met for both of us was like gasoiline being poured on fire! I have not
felt that way in 30 years! (I am 56 he is 35) We have tried to break away from each other a couple of times and I just could not forget him and somehow either he called or I called or e-mailed and there we were again…and the last time was two weeks ago and this time was so magical and he has also agreed that we are soul mates. The first time I met him I swear I could see his soul in his eyes and the chemistry was so electric I was shaking and my pupils were dilated! He is a police detective AND a Baptist youth minister….Such a special man and know I would be with him if he was not married… never have I felt a more perfect match than with this man…but I just could not allow myself to further this heartbreak headed journey and I did not want him to lose anything in his life. What I wanted was nothing compared to what he could lose. I told him that and I had to let him go…It has only been three days this time and I think about him constantly. But I have made my mind up and this time it has to be this way. I have several ( I mean SEVERAL) other men that are single that want to be with me and all I can think of is this gorgeous man. So time will be my helper on this and I will never forget this man…it is not everyday that someone makes you feel 30 years younger. This man was like a drug for me. But After I talked with him three days ago I woke up the next morning more peaceful and knowing that I was better off. Althught, I will never, never forget this man…he was kind to me and such a gentleman and he agreed that he cannot do this either because of the guilt…But what we feel for each other will be frozen in time and in my memory always. I do wish I could have met him in another lifetime….he will remain a special man to me for the rest of my life. Sometime you have to tell your heart NO.

Suzy May 9, 2010 at 5:14 PM

Hi Green Eyes,
Thank you for sharing your romantic experience. I know your story will be an inspiration for other women who are dating a married man and may be in a similar situation.
What I really found insightful was your comment, “sometime you have to tell your heart NO”. I hear from so many divorced women that are dating that have learned this lesson the hard way. They listened to their heart and emotions and ended up with hurt and regret.
As divorced women dating and looking for relationship, we must always remember to put integrity and honesty as the guide for the men that we date and the relationships that we get involved with.
And by the way, you don’t need to date a younger man to make you feel 30 years younger. Feeling younger is all about attitude and a mind set. I suggest you keep that experience of feeling 30 years younger right along with your memories of being with this man.
Hugs,
Suzy

Suzy February 2, 2010 at 2:21 PM

Dear Newly Single,
Being recently divorced can make you more vulnerable to dating a married man. You are still in the transition phase of going from married to single and that can feel scary and lonely. So the support that you think you are getting from this married man is meeting you needs in this moment. That is why it feels so hard to end it. Short term it is temporary relief, long term it is heartache and misery. Thinking you have fallen in love is an illusion. Ending it right now will give you back your confidence and strength that is lost in this illusion. In a relationship with a married man you are saying to the universe “I’m not worthy of an honest relationship” End it now, you’re worth it.
Suzy

newly single January 27, 2010 at 3:06 PM

I am in this situation described…I am recently divorced, and have fallen in love with a married man. It is so hard to end it, although it is damaging on so many levels. I wish I could get him out of my mind and heart. I wish it was easy. If you have any ideas let me know. I am in the viscious cycle.

suzy May 20, 2012 at 8:47 AM

Often times when you lose yourself, lose your essence it can actually become the road to discovering an even better version of yourself. Even better than you were before all this happened. I speak from experience. All you have to do is get help, stay on the high road and follow you’re dream and become the best version of yourself as possible. Stay in touch and let me know how it goes. You can do it!

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